I'll be okay...just not today.

There is nothing worse than being up at night, alone with your thoughts...

I am at a loss for words. I have tried to write how I feel and say what I think I want to say, but nothing comes out. I recently lost a friend to suicide just under two weeks ago. I can't help but feel this awful painful guilt, wondering what more I could have done. What did I miss? Why wasn't I there when he needed someone the most? I have struggled with a lot of challenges in my life and have overcome them. This one however, is so different. It is so permanent and my questions will never be answered. There will never be closure until I can simply accept what happened and move forward, but for now, I can only take it day by day...

To my dear friend, Julio. Although we were only friends for a few months, I am so glad that we met and were able to build a friendship. I keep checking my phone, hoping this nightmare is over and that you'll soon hit me up with your "what's up crazy" texts! I want you to know that your kindness will never be forgotten and you will never be forgotten. You were a selfless man and deserved nothing but happiness in life...I know I told you many times! I won't forget the day you told me that I was a beautiful person who, too, deserved happiness. At that moment, that's exactly what I needed to hear. I am so so sorry I couldn't save you. I will forever think about that day...I have no idea what I would have done differently, but if only I was here, or called you, or anything! My heart hurts for you and baby Lauren. I'll continue to pray for her and that she'll grow up learning how truly wonderful of man her father was. Until we meet again my friend...

I hope that one day I can think clearly and put my thoughts into words and actually make sense...until then...it's going to be a hot mess!!

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4

Putting the pieces back together...

Well folks, it appears I have disappeared again for some time...but I am back. And I have noticed a trend of when I reappear. It's when I need to vent or pour my heart out...so that's what I am here to do tonight.

Tonight marks night 30 or so where I have struggled getting to sleep. I am either beyond exhausted or simply have adjusted to my 4-5 hours of sleep a night routine. Either way, I miss my full 8 hours...come back! I have contributed my sleep-loss to several things...there are the usual things, kids, homework, regular work, daily worries, etc. And then there are other things, such as emotions...all kinds of crazy annoying emotions! It's not all bad by any means, but when your brain space is filled with emotions, it is difficult to focus on the real stuff!

Every now and again, I go through this bout of emotional turmoil...I mean I think it's because at one point, I was really broken. You never really fully recover from such brokenness, but you do learn to put the pieces back together in some way. Now that my pieces are nearly put back together, there are still some cracks. Those cracks are what make me extremely vulnerable. I take things much too personal when I know damn well I shouldn't. I let my guard down for those I know damn well that I shouldn't. I let my mind drift back to the past when I know damn well I shouldn't. So that's where I have been lately...specifically letting my guard down. I want so much to find love and happiness with my partner in crime, but the unfortunate thing is timing. Timing is everything...and right now, is not the time. I am struggling to accept that. But you know....now that I've felt those crummy feelings again, I've come to the conclusion that  I am not ready to take that risk yet. I am not ready to possibly feel heartbroken again...and I think that's okay for now. I mean, I am not giving up by any means, I am just not going to try too hard to put myself back out there for a while.

Well enough of that...aside from the emotional roller coaster going on in my life...everything else is fine and dandy. I am done with school tomorrow so I think I will attempt, key word there is attempt, to get back on here more often!

Side note: I don't know how many readers I have anymore, especially since I am MIA a lot, but I wanted to thank those who do read my blog. I received a comment a few months back that said they liked my blog and that I write from my heart. It made me smile and remember why I share the things that I do. So thanks again!

This boy simply melts my heart!

Oh hey big sarg...

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Years!

I have been struggling lately to write something worth reading. I have a lot going on that I literally have no brain space to do anything else. I have had headaches and memory loss as of the last few months that have been giving me issues and putting a hindering a lot of things. I do have an MRI set up just to check, but I am really starting to think that I am just overwhelmed with too much on my mind and too much on my plate. At one point, I reduced all of that stress and mind boggling issues, but they seemed to have come back. I'll share an update on the MRI if anything comes up, otherwise let's pray for good results!

Briahna and Linc are doing well! They were both very blessed this Christmas, they did get some very nice gifts as well as getting to spend some quality time with my parents! They needed it, and so did I! Lincoln is having surgery on the 18th to get tubes in, hopefully it will help keep those ears healthy. Today we did have to use his nebulizer for wheezing. I hate using it, but the plus side is that we haven't used it since summer! I am hoping this means he's slowly growing out of it!

Briahna is back to school, we are struggling a bit with mornings, but who doesn't right

PS I finally got promoted to Sergeant!! I have worked so hard for this dang promotion! It was a great feeling when I finally got orders! It's going to be a challenge as I will be put into a leadership position (I am shy and question myself a lot), but I am very excited to finally be at this stage in my Army career! Thanks to everyone who helped me study for the board and who's has supported my choice to serve in the military!

And that's all I have...I really hope to have some value-added posts soon! I just need to free up the mind..

Just be okay

Lately life has been hectic! I am guilty of not being fully present in the moment. I've just been the 'okay' mom, and today, that's alright!

This boy...

How is it possible that this little man is 2 years old already!? I can't believe how time flies. Baby stay little just a little bit longer for mama! So this kid, oh this kid keeps me on my toes. He's made sure that I don't ever forget he's there!

We celebrated his 2nd birthday on Monday after work. It was just Bri and I with Lincoln and was simply perfect. He loved his Woody Doll and Little People Racetrack! We made pizza (which he actually eats) and finished with a special little blue cupcake for Linc! We'll call him Gramps JR...he only wanted the frosting!

As often as this boy may drive me freaking insane, I am so overjoyed with the love I have for him and his personality. :)

...when your daughter is your comfort

I had a really good day today, however, I was struck with intense anxiety that kept me from being "present" in the moment. I hate that. My heart was racing, hands shaking, and couldn't get my mind off of the issues causing my anxiety.

Briahna is always so comforting when she knows I am just not feeling normal. So tonight, she caught me crying and her first instinct was to crawl over and give me a giant hug! She asked if I was okay and why I was crying. She continued to rub my hair back and pat my shoulder. How could I possibly explain to her why I am just feeling so blah today that it made me cry? We had a mini chat about how hard it can be to be a grownup sometimes. I even slipped up and said that I get lonely when I don't have anyone else to talk to or help. Her response "You can always talk to me!" I love how open minded she can be and how her heart so desires for me to feel good. It does sweet girl, it does.

I don't have these anxious days too often anymore, but when I do, it never ends well. As I do have these days, I have realized that when I get anxiety like so, it is usually because their is a problem or issue that needs to be addressed. ...and today's issue...has been addressed. :(

Where can I stick this chopstick?

I don't take the littles out to dinner very often because Lincoln can be quite the handful. Tonight, after I picked up Bri from dance, we were both craving pho (Vietnamese soup). I contemplated hitting the drive-thru to grab something quick but I opted to take them out to eat at a small Asian place called Noodle Teahouse.

I secretly dread taking Lincoln because I never know how he is going to act. However, tonight, he amazed me! He was so well behaved...for the most part, but we'll get to that later. He actually sat in his booster seat the whole time. I did a parenting no-no and had Mickey Mouse playing on my phone, but he was pretty distracted with other things at the table. You know how those boys are, they have to touch EVERYTHING! This is where those chopsticks come in. At first he was just holding them, then turned into tapping them, and eventually he NEEDED to see where he could stick that damn chopstick. It started with my pho, then my water, then his ear, and then my ear. I may or may not have seen him stick it in his nose and then his mouth...as well as his ketchup and then attempted to share with me. Gosh, so sweet of him!

Bri just looks at him and rolls her eyes...brothers!

We are totally still here...

Oh my gosh! I can't believe I haven't written since July! I am totally sucking at this blog as of late...err the last year or more!

So I now live in Wisconsin working full time for the Army. It was a huge change for the kids and I, but I love it so far! I really enjoy my job, the daycare we have is amazing, and Briahna loves her school. We've met some pretty legit people and are finally settled in. I know we've only been here since August, but I could see us staying here and/or coming back here...all depending on where the Army takes us!

I would have to say my favorite thing about Eau Claire is the food! I tend to go out to eat more than I would like to admit, but by doing so, I have had the pleasure of trying so many new places, hole in the walls, and dainty cafes. If you are in the area, I WILL be taking you out to enjoy the deliciousness!

My top 5 dining establishments as of right now (in no particular order):
1. The Nucleus (café that offers phenomenal breakfast food)
2. Bug Eyed Betty's (not sure exactly but I'd say a twist to food from the bayou)
3. Rice Palace (Thai restaurant with amazing pho)
4. Shanghai Bistro (super cheap place for Asian dishes and sushi)
5. Tacos Juanita (best hole in the wall Mexican place I've been to yet)

Side note on the babies: Briahna is doing extremely well at her new school as well as her dance school! She's my little nerd, loves math, science, and reading! Linc will be 2 in just one week! I can't believe how fast the time has gone. We're still dealing with him and being sick more often than we'd like. I am hoping for tubes in his ears to help with the ear infections, they are never ending! Although he can be quite the little stinker, he truly brings me so much joy (they both do) and makes me smile. I mean this kid can count to ten already, courtesy of KinderCare! :)



Well ladies and gents, I will ease back into this slowly as to not overwhelm you all with all the happenings!

To be continued...

Oh and if you were wondering, the answer is yes. I am still single and still don't know how to mingle :-)

Two beers later...

...and I am blubbering like a baby! We all know what a little bit of alcohol does to our emotions...

Today was bitter-sweet. It was my last day at Hutchinson Health and I am so sad to be leaving such wonderful, kind, and caring coworkers! When I walked in the building this morning, I really couldn't decide how I felt about it being my last day...it didn't hit me until I shut down my computer and locked my office door for the last time. I was definitely teary. I will certainly miss the wonderful ladies I was so fortunate to get to know and work with for the last few years.

After several goodbyes, I was so humbled to realize that I will be missed and that I made a positive impact on many of the ladies I worked with. I will truly miss them all! They kept me going during our hardest days and shared laughs on the best days!

That being said, I have taken the opportunity to begin a new career path that I've wanted for a long time! I am beyond excited for this new adventure but scared shitless for another big change!  Keep the kids and I in your thoughts as we transition to a new home, daycare, school, and job! :)

Side note- with it being my last week working, more and more people kindly reminded me that I am going to meet my prince charming and/or knight in shining armor in Wisconsin...is that a sign that I need a man? or? I've definitely kept my romantic life pretty much at dead halt the last few months, partly because I suck at dating but mostly because I really just have no interest in that right now...and who knows, maybe they are right and this new change will bring good things in all areas of life! :)

-ashly
 

We're still here!

Wow, where in the heck has the time gone!? I haven't really written since before the new year!

Any big changes? Not really! Both kiddos have been pretty healthy as of late. Linc is still having issues with ear infections, but his breathing has improved tremendously! :)

Hopefully I will have some exciting news to report in the near future (no, im not pregnant)! I can't leak anything just yet! ;-) I'm certain the suspense is going to drive you nuts!

And I apologize to my family and friends if I've been MIA for the last few months! Life has kept us quite busy! If it's not one thing, it's another! Can't wait for it to settle down a bit!

My best friend!

There is nothing better than a long phone call with your one and only best friend! After not seeing this guy for nearly 5 years, we are still as close as ever. We just get eachother! :-)

Love him!

How did I get so lucky!? Best siblings ever!

A little bit of faith...

My road to better things...

Don't worry, I'm still here!

I can't believe how busy I have been these last few weeks, months, years? It's been crazy!

I've finally got a quick moment to write. I can't remember the last time where I had a thoughtful post. So let's see what we get today...

I've come to the realization that I am a very judgmental person. I've kind of felt sorry for myself and my lack of relationships with friends and significant others. I've spent the last few months talking with a professional, trying to figure out what was holding me back, and there you have it folks. I am judgmental. It's not something I vocalize, but internalize. I focus on how different I am from others, how my story is so different from others, how my "normal" isn't the same as most others normal, so much that I forget the commonalities. This has caused me to pull away from those close to me because I feel like they can't relate or they actually judge me for my "normal." And in reality, it is me who is judging them by my insecurities of my "normal." I'm working on this as best as I can! I've discovered how hard it is to bring back those relationships once they've been pushed away.

Another major hindrance of the last few years was holding on to anger, letting my ex hover over me, and forgetting about my overall happiness. I recently learned how to productively set boundaries with people who've been pushing me around. I've set rules and standards and have stood my ground on things that matter most instead of letting someone wear me down and get their way. My brain space has freed up from that pent up anger and lack of divorce boundaries. These boundaries were much too late to get set up, but they were needed. I wasn't able to fully move on from the constant communication and having a difficult situation to begin with, these boundaries were needed to bring some normalcy back to my life. The other person obviously didn't appreciate these boundaries, but they weren't for him, they were for me, for my well being.

I have come to the realization that I spent so much time being a door mat that I didn't truly see what my situation looked like. I was able to get a glimpse from the outside in, and shit...it was a fucking mess! Pardon my language, but that is what it was. Why did no one ever tell me what I was doing was ridiculous? Why did no one guide me in the right direction? I mean, obviously, it is no one else's fault but my own, but I am baffled as to how crazy this (post divorce relationship) has been and no one every questioned it! Shizah!

But now that I have jumped this hurdle, I am on the road to bigger and better things. Love for my self and my kids is what is pushing me through these hard times. And thank you to my amazing family for all of their support and standing up for me while setting these boundaries. I definitely couldn't have done this alone.

And while I am on the road to greatness, I thought I'd add to my insanely busy life by going back to school for Health Management. I started last week and am so excited for this adventure!

Kid bits-
-My sweet Lincoln is ONE!! I am beyond blessed to be his mom! He's such a happy baby, right on track with his development, and running ALL over the place and into EVERYTHING!
-Briahna is one smart 7 year old! She is officially a chapter book reader, crafter, and busy body! Send us some postivie vibes as we do wait for some test results from the doctor. She's been fighting recurrent fevers for several months now, and we're trying to get to the bottom of what's causing them. Hoping for all good results!

My shoes...

Agreed.

Updates on all my previous posts

-my sweet Linc is a walker! :) he will be one on December 21!!

-Bri is a favorite at school and excelling to a grade level above her own! So proud of her!

-i got a "new to me" vehicle! A 2012 Chevy equinox. I love it!

-i turned down the job offer in Minneapolis. It was at the VA hospital. I really wanted it, but I wasn't ready to move away. I still rely on my parents for help and if I moved away, we'd hardly ever get to see them.

-i still use Isagenix. I use it for maintenance-keeping my weight at a consistent number. Unfortunately though, I don't get the chance to hit the gym very often.

-i am still looking for a full-time army job. Maybe reclass into a different specialty. Not sure yet, its a lot of work.

-as time goes on, I thought I was healed up from my divorce and accepting the fact that I am a single mom, but in all honesty, I am still mighty bitter. My sweet littles didn't even get a phone call on thanksgiving. I am sad for them and their lack of relationship with you know who. I have left it up to him to be present and it's getting to be less and less. Apparently having a girlfriend means you can ignore your responsibilities. I'm tired of dealing with it.

-and lastly, due to my extreme anger and bitterness, I have taken it upon myself to talk with a professional who can challenge my thinking. I am going to have to deal with you know for the rest of my life with my kids, the least I can do is change my thought process so it's not a miserable subject for the next how many years.

-but other than that sore subject, things are good! My kids and I are good! (Minus being ill) and we are blessed to have what we do have! :)

Single mom problems

Aside from my bitterness towards you know who, I've dealt with being a single mom quite well.

However, tonight (its 1am), I am officially wrecked! Linc, bri, and I all are recovering from the stomach flu. Linc has been awake more than he's slept since Wednesday. I have yet to get a full hour of sleep since then. And tonight, my friends, he is relentless. He certainly does not want to go to bed. I've tried everything!

Times like these are when I could really use a hand, especially when I have also spent the last few days sick as hell. Not to share too much information, but can you imagine being mid diaper change and having to throw up right then and there? So what do you do? Puke in the trash can while holding your wiggly monster and hoping he doesn't roll over and pee! On top of that, your 7 year old standing witness asking if you're okay... she's so precious but I sure wish she didn't have to see that.

So all I can do at this point is continue to take care of my babies and pray that we get better fast!

And a post thanksgiving shout out- thank you to my mom for all of her help with the kids and for making a delicious meal for thanksgiving! Even with sick kids, it was still a good day. I am so thankful for my kids and family. They are truly amazing people and I am so fortunate that they are mine. And to my friends, I am thankful for each of you and the times we do get together and sorry I am not around all that often! I still love you! :)

I'm so good...

At being single it's crazy!

So whatever my relationship status was these last few months is no longer.

I am broken, beyond repair it seems. Maybe my expectations are too high? But frankly, I am not going to sacrifice my happiness.

I get that we live in a generation where it's always on the go, but to not make time to spend with your person seems unusual? You'd think you'd want to see them as often as possible. You'd think...

Maybe I'm delicate? Or not dateable? But whatever it is has got to go... im not going to go looking for a romantic love but someday, I hope to find it when I least expect it!

Until then...

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My sweet littles!