Monday, January 26, 2015

Saturday, January 17, 2015

My road to better things...

Don't worry, I'm still here!

I can't believe how busy I have been these last few weeks, months, years? It's been crazy!

I've finally got a quick moment to write. I can't remember the last time where I had a thoughtful post. So let's see what we get today...

I've come to the realization that I am a very judgmental person. I've kind of felt sorry for myself and my lack of relationships with friends and significant others. I've spent the last few months talking with a professional, trying to figure out what was holding me back, and there you have it folks. I am judgmental. It's not something I vocalize, but internalize. I focus on how different I am from others, how my story is so different from others, how my "normal" isn't the same as most others normal, so much that I forget the commonalities. This has caused me to pull away from those close to me because I feel like they can't relate or they actually judge me for my "normal." And in reality, it is me who is judging them by my insecurities of my "normal." I'm working on this as best as I can! I've discovered how hard it is to bring back those relationships once they've been pushed away.

Another major hindrance of the last few years was holding on to anger, letting my ex hover over me, and forgetting about my overall happiness. I recently learned how to productively set boundaries with people who've been pushing me around. I've set rules and standards and have stood my ground on things that matter most instead of letting someone wear me down and get their way. My brain space has freed up from that pent up anger and lack of divorce boundaries. These boundaries were much too late to get set up, but they were needed. I wasn't able to fully move on from the constant communication and having a difficult situation to begin with, these boundaries were needed to bring some normalcy back to my life. The other person obviously didn't appreciate these boundaries, but they weren't for him, they were for me, for my well being.

I have come to the realization that I spent so much time being a door mat that I didn't truly see what my situation looked like. I was able to get a glimpse from the outside in, and was a fucking mess! Pardon my language, but that is what it was. Why did no one ever tell me what I was doing was ridiculous? Why did no one guide me in the right direction? I mean, obviously, it is no one else's fault but my own, but I am baffled as to how crazy this (post divorce relationship) has been and no one every questioned it! Shizah!

But now that I have jumped this hurdle, I am on the road to bigger and better things. Love for my self and my kids is what is pushing me through these hard times. And thank you to my amazing family for all of their support and standing up for me while setting these boundaries. I definitely couldn't have done this alone.

And while I am on the road to greatness, I thought I'd add to my insanely busy life by going back to school for Health Management. I started last week and am so excited for this adventure!

Kid bits-
-My sweet Lincoln is ONE!! I am beyond blessed to be his mom! He's such a happy baby, right on track with his development, and running ALL over the place and into EVERYTHING!
-Briahna is one smart 7 year old! She is officially a chapter book reader, crafter, and busy body! Send us some postivie vibes as we do wait for some test results from the doctor. She's been fighting recurrent fevers for several months now, and we're trying to get to the bottom of what's causing them. Hoping for all good results!