I recently read through some old blogs I posted...you can see my progression from bitterly angry to having a more positive energy.

However, those blogs were painfully reminding me that I've been very selfish and hateful. As much as I don't want to admit that, I suppose it's true. And actually, I'm not sorry.

The worst question I've ever asked was "why?" And the worst answer I ever got was "I don't know. " and thats the same answer I still get whenever I ask any question. The secrets are out, I dont understand why there are still lies and more secrets. Apparently bad habits die hard for some.

So after all this time of still not getting real closure, I'm closing the door to this. I will never get the truth and frankly, I don't care anymore. Hate is a strong word but a very powerful feeling. And unfortunately, its a very real feeling.

My intention of being civil and fair will always apply, but believe me when I say everything now will cater to my kids and I, no one else. Ever.

The past has made me bitter And better...

Custody

Here's a touchy subject for ya. It should be as clear as black and white, but unfortunately, it is most definitely not.

For the longest time, I felt that everything should be equal among parents sharing custody. That was until I had a glimpse at reality. Some parents can accommodate their lives to handle caring for their kids half the time, while other's cannot.

By accommodate, I mean doing what you say and saying what you do. If it's your 'turn' to have your kids, SHOW UP! Regardless of your plans, you make the time and adjust accordingly. The primary parent doesn't get to decide not to show up. They are there day in and day out.

I've began to believe it's not always easy to be fair. Eventually it becomes only to be about what's best for the kids. Why temporarily disrupt their daily life for an event that may or may not happen again? Why send them to the other parents for time away when said parent doesn't want them consistently? Why excite a child only to have to tell them 'mom/dad isn't coming.' It's heartbreaking for that child.

No ones wants to go to court over this issue or take the children away from their other parent, but where do you draw the line? How many times does disappointment have to arise before enough is enough? Who really gets to have a say?

Or how about a parent who has been absent all of a sudden wants back in? Or a parent who originally didnt want to 'keep' an unborn child? Do they just get to be free of consequences? Who really gets to decide who gets the child, when, and for how long? It's easy for a bitter parent to want to make the other parent suffer. But what about the parent who tries to be fair and it never happens? Who decides? How do parents agree? Who is right?

And you, we automatically assume it's the dads who are deadbeats, but there are plenty of terrible moms out there too.

It's a never-ending battle when two parents don't see eye to eye.

Dating

Dating is totally new to me, but I'm happy I took a risk and put myself out there. I had the opportunity to meet a very good guy. his personality and kindness bring a smile to my face!

It's hard for me to accept kindness as it is new to me. Perhaps I always felt like I didn't deserve it so I didn't always receive it. Regardless, it is a step in the right direction, finally finding and deserving happiness.

Remember that you only get the type of love you think you deserve. And you deserve a whole lot. Don't forget that.

Just having a moment...

I've been trying to write a good blog for the last several weeks, and nothing is flowing. I can't decide to vent or brag! I have plenty of ideas to do both, but once I get then written, I change my mind.

I think I've been avoiding the venting, because if I do, it will definitely call someone out and I don't want to do that. Even if I generalize the topic, it's still points fingers, and is rather not.

I've posted a few brags, especially about my kids. They really are amazing. As much as they are my whole life, I need to have brags unrelated to them too.

So on that note:

Vent: I HATE BEING IGNORED. Not going to get into it right now.

Brag: I have been strictly clean eating since Sunday. Had one bad snack of oreos, but have been following my eating plan and exercise daily (even if its at home). I already feel a difference from eating less processed foods.

So that is all. Its 6am, a quick nap before I have to be up for my busy Saturday plans: makeup for Sarah, fix/clean my car, and wedding with D!

Enjoy your weekend my friends!

-be curious, not judgemental.

Nothing too eventful has gone on recently, and I'm totally okay with that.

This week has been spent working and spending the evenings with my littles! I love them more and more each day!

Bri continues to advance her reading skills and education. She's been into creating new things out of old items/boxes/cartons. She created a house/play area for her Littlest Pet Shops. And she knows just to make me laugh, she's very witty and quick on her feet!

Linc is 4 months! He's so handsome! He's about 17 lbs. He's so close to rolling over from back to front. He already does front to back. He is laughing and giggling when we tickle him. And he even is attentive to peek-a-boo and laughs!

Those two make my world complete!