There is nothing worse than being up at night, alone with your thoughts...
I am at a loss for words. I have tried to write how I feel and say what I think I want to say, but nothing comes out. I recently lost a friend to suicide just under two weeks ago. I can't help but feel this awful painful guilt, wondering what more I could have done. What did I miss? Why wasn't I there when he needed someone the most? I have struggled with a lot of challenges in my life and have overcome them. This one however, is so different. It is so permanent and my questions will never be answered. There will never be closure until I can simply accept what happened and move forward, but for now, I can only take it day by day...
To my dear friend, Julio. Although we were only friends for a few months, I am so glad that we met and were able to build a friendship. I keep checking my phone, hoping this nightmare is over and that you'll soon hit me up with your "what's up crazy" texts! I want you to know that your kindness will never be forgotten and you will never be forgotten. You were a selfless man and deserved nothing but happiness in life...I know I told you many times! I won't forget the day you told me that I was a beautiful person who, too, deserved happiness. At that moment, that's exactly what I needed to hear. I am so so sorry I couldn't save you. I will forever think about that day...I have no idea what I would have done differently, but if only I was here, or called you, or anything! My heart hurts for you and baby Lauren. I'll continue to pray for her and that she'll grow up learning how truly wonderful of man her father was. Until we meet again my friend...
I hope that one day I can think clearly and put my thoughts into words and actually make sense...until then...it's going to be a hot mess!!
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4
Thursday, November 10, 2016
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
Putting the pieces back together...
Well folks, it appears I have disappeared again for some time...but I am back. And I have noticed a trend of when I reappear. It's when I need to vent or pour my heart out...so that's what I am here to do tonight.
Tonight marks night 30 or so where I have struggled getting to sleep. I am either beyond exhausted or simply have adjusted to my 4-5 hours of sleep a night routine. Either way, I miss my full 8 hours...come back! I have contributed my sleep-loss to several things...there are the usual things, kids, homework, regular work, daily worries, etc. And then there are other things, such as emotions...all kinds of crazy annoying emotions! It's not all bad by any means, but when your brain space is filled with emotions, it is difficult to focus on the real stuff!
Every now and again, I go through this bout of emotional turmoil...I mean I think it's because at one point, I was really broken. You never really fully recover from such brokenness, but you do learn to put the pieces back together in some way. Now that my pieces are nearly put back together, there are still some cracks. Those cracks are what make me extremely vulnerable. I take things much too personal when I know damn well I shouldn't. I let my guard down for those I know damn well that I shouldn't. I let my mind drift back to the past when I know damn well I shouldn't. So that's where I have been lately...specifically letting my guard down. I want so much to find love and happiness with my partner in crime, but the unfortunate thing is timing. Timing is everything...and right now, is not the time. I am struggling to accept that. But you know....now that I've felt those crummy feelings again, I've come to the conclusion that I am not ready to take that risk yet. I am not ready to possibly feel heartbroken again...and I think that's okay for now. I mean, I am not giving up by any means, I am just not going to try too hard to put myself back out there for a while.
Well enough of that...aside from the emotional roller coaster going on in my life...everything else is fine and dandy. I am done with school tomorrow so I think I will attempt, key word there is attempt, to get back on here more often!
Side note: I don't know how many readers I have anymore, especially since I am MIA a lot, but I wanted to thank those who do read my blog. I received a comment a few months back that said they liked my blog and that I write from my heart. It made me smile and remember why I share the things that I do. So thanks again!
Tonight marks night 30 or so where I have struggled getting to sleep. I am either beyond exhausted or simply have adjusted to my 4-5 hours of sleep a night routine. Either way, I miss my full 8 hours...come back! I have contributed my sleep-loss to several things...there are the usual things, kids, homework, regular work, daily worries, etc. And then there are other things, such as emotions...all kinds of crazy annoying emotions! It's not all bad by any means, but when your brain space is filled with emotions, it is difficult to focus on the real stuff!
Every now and again, I go through this bout of emotional turmoil...I mean I think it's because at one point, I was really broken. You never really fully recover from such brokenness, but you do learn to put the pieces back together in some way. Now that my pieces are nearly put back together, there are still some cracks. Those cracks are what make me extremely vulnerable. I take things much too personal when I know damn well I shouldn't. I let my guard down for those I know damn well that I shouldn't. I let my mind drift back to the past when I know damn well I shouldn't. So that's where I have been lately...specifically letting my guard down. I want so much to find love and happiness with my partner in crime, but the unfortunate thing is timing. Timing is everything...and right now, is not the time. I am struggling to accept that. But you know....now that I've felt those crummy feelings again, I've come to the conclusion that I am not ready to take that risk yet. I am not ready to possibly feel heartbroken again...and I think that's okay for now. I mean, I am not giving up by any means, I am just not going to try too hard to put myself back out there for a while.
Well enough of that...aside from the emotional roller coaster going on in my life...everything else is fine and dandy. I am done with school tomorrow so I think I will attempt, key word there is attempt, to get back on here more often!
Side note: I don't know how many readers I have anymore, especially since I am MIA a lot, but I wanted to thank those who do read my blog. I received a comment a few months back that said they liked my blog and that I write from my heart. It made me smile and remember why I share the things that I do. So thanks again!
Monday, January 18, 2016
Wednesday, January 6, 2016
Oh hey big sarg...
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Years!
I have been struggling lately to write something worth reading. I have a lot going on that I literally have no brain space to do anything else. I have had headaches and memory loss as of the last few months that have been giving me issues and putting a hindering a lot of things. I do have an MRI set up just to check, but I am really starting to think that I am just overwhelmed with too much on my mind and too much on my plate. At one point, I reduced all of that stress and mind boggling issues, but they seemed to have come back. I'll share an update on the MRI if anything comes up, otherwise let's pray for good results!
Briahna and Linc are doing well! They were both very blessed this Christmas, they did get some very nice gifts as well as getting to spend some quality time with my parents! They needed it, and so did I! Lincoln is having surgery on the 18th to get tubes in, hopefully it will help keep those ears healthy. Today we did have to use his nebulizer for wheezing. I hate using it, but the plus side is that we haven't used it since summer! I am hoping this means he's slowly growing out of it!
Briahna is back to school, we are struggling a bit with mornings, but who doesn't right
PS I finally got promoted to Sergeant!! I have worked so hard for this dang promotion! It was a great feeling when I finally got orders! It's going to be a challenge as I will be put into a leadership position (I am shy and question myself a lot), but I am very excited to finally be at this stage in my Army career! Thanks to everyone who helped me study for the board and who's has supported my choice to serve in the military!
And that's all I have...I really hope to have some value-added posts soon! I just need to free up the mind..
I have been struggling lately to write something worth reading. I have a lot going on that I literally have no brain space to do anything else. I have had headaches and memory loss as of the last few months that have been giving me issues and putting a hindering a lot of things. I do have an MRI set up just to check, but I am really starting to think that I am just overwhelmed with too much on my mind and too much on my plate. At one point, I reduced all of that stress and mind boggling issues, but they seemed to have come back. I'll share an update on the MRI if anything comes up, otherwise let's pray for good results!
Briahna and Linc are doing well! They were both very blessed this Christmas, they did get some very nice gifts as well as getting to spend some quality time with my parents! They needed it, and so did I! Lincoln is having surgery on the 18th to get tubes in, hopefully it will help keep those ears healthy. Today we did have to use his nebulizer for wheezing. I hate using it, but the plus side is that we haven't used it since summer! I am hoping this means he's slowly growing out of it!
Briahna is back to school, we are struggling a bit with mornings, but who doesn't right
PS I finally got promoted to Sergeant!! I have worked so hard for this dang promotion! It was a great feeling when I finally got orders! It's going to be a challenge as I will be put into a leadership position (I am shy and question myself a lot), but I am very excited to finally be at this stage in my Army career! Thanks to everyone who helped me study for the board and who's has supported my choice to serve in the military!
And that's all I have...I really hope to have some value-added posts soon! I just need to free up the mind..
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
Just be okay
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