My shoes...

Agreed.

Updates on all my previous posts

-my sweet Linc is a walker! :) he will be one on December 21!!

-Bri is a favorite at school and excelling to a grade level above her own! So proud of her!

-i got a "new to me" vehicle! A 2012 Chevy equinox. I love it!

-i turned down the job offer in Minneapolis. It was at the VA hospital. I really wanted it, but I wasn't ready to move away. I still rely on my parents for help and if I moved away, we'd hardly ever get to see them.

-i still use Isagenix. I use it for maintenance-keeping my weight at a consistent number. Unfortunately though, I don't get the chance to hit the gym very often.

-i am still looking for a full-time army job. Maybe reclass into a different specialty. Not sure yet, its a lot of work.

-as time goes on, I thought I was healed up from my divorce and accepting the fact that I am a single mom, but in all honesty, I am still mighty bitter. My sweet littles didn't even get a phone call on thanksgiving. I am sad for them and their lack of relationship with you know who. I have left it up to him to be present and it's getting to be less and less. Apparently having a girlfriend means you can ignore your responsibilities. I'm tired of dealing with it.

-and lastly, due to my extreme anger and bitterness, I have taken it upon myself to talk with a professional who can challenge my thinking. I am going to have to deal with you know for the rest of my life with my kids, the least I can do is change my thought process so it's not a miserable subject for the next how many years.

-but other than that sore subject, things are good! My kids and I are good! (Minus being ill) and we are blessed to have what we do have! :)

Single mom problems

Aside from my bitterness towards you know who, I've dealt with being a single mom quite well.

However, tonight (its 1am), I am officially wrecked! Linc, bri, and I all are recovering from the stomach flu. Linc has been awake more than he's slept since Wednesday. I have yet to get a full hour of sleep since then. And tonight, my friends, he is relentless. He certainly does not want to go to bed. I've tried everything!

Times like these are when I could really use a hand, especially when I have also spent the last few days sick as hell. Not to share too much information, but can you imagine being mid diaper change and having to throw up right then and there? So what do you do? Puke in the trash can while holding your wiggly monster and hoping he doesn't roll over and pee! On top of that, your 7 year old standing witness asking if you're okay... she's so precious but I sure wish she didn't have to see that.

So all I can do at this point is continue to take care of my babies and pray that we get better fast!

And a post thanksgiving shout out- thank you to my mom for all of her help with the kids and for making a delicious meal for thanksgiving! Even with sick kids, it was still a good day. I am so thankful for my kids and family. They are truly amazing people and I am so fortunate that they are mine. And to my friends, I am thankful for each of you and the times we do get together and sorry I am not around all that often! I still love you! :)

I'm so good...

At being single it's crazy!

So whatever my relationship status was these last few months is no longer.

I am broken, beyond repair it seems. Maybe my expectations are too high? But frankly, I am not going to sacrifice my happiness.

I get that we live in a generation where it's always on the go, but to not make time to spend with your person seems unusual? You'd think you'd want to see them as often as possible. You'd think...

Maybe I'm delicate? Or not dateable? But whatever it is has got to go... im not going to go looking for a romantic love but someday, I hope to find it when I least expect it!

Until then...

Untitled

My sweet littles!

So it's been a while... and today is my birthday! I am seriously so blessed with some pretty amazing people who made my day so great! I love you all! :) I even got flowers, chocolate, and seafood! What could be better!

And I had an early birthday vacation to Florida! We had a blast visiting Molly! Ps she's due next week with her first baby! So excited to meet baby Lucas!

Looks like there may be a big change for me coming up, I recently received a job offer in Minneapolis, something I've always wanted. I dont want to give up that opportunity, but figuring out the logistics of it all is so hard. I would potentially have to relocate. I'm all for that, but dont know where or when or even how! Yikes! What to do?

Oh and my sweet babies, how could I forget to update on them. Bri started 2nd grade this week and loves it! She's so smart....and sassy! And my Linc is 8 months, finally went from his front crawl to his knee crawl! He's pulling himself up and feeding himself! And developing his own little personality with his giggles and growls! Oh how I love being their mom! :)

My Isagenix Journey is still going well. Probably not as good with my vacation binge, but still have positive results!

I'm off to another long army weekend, I'll have some downtime to finally blog again! Stay tuned...

Story of my life... especially today! I'm just a few short hours away from jetting off to see my beautiful seester in sunny Florida! :)

My Isagenix Journey

So I began a 30 day Isagenix Journey August 8.

It's been 7 days and I feel fantastic! I was able to pull my belt another notch tighter!!!

I've tried to follow the daily schedule and it's really fitting to my schedule which has made it easier to accomplish my first week. I also added 2 cleanse days in which were difficult but I made

Ultimate goal: get back to 135-140 and toned.

Cant wait to see results on day 30!

It's been a while...

Update:

1- started my isagenix journey. 30 days of cleansing and healthy eating habits. Wish me luck!

2- going to Florida to see my beautiful seester this month. She's 4 weeks shy of 40 weeks prego! Cant wait to meet baby Lucas!

3- I taught Bri how to ride her bike yesterday. She just needed a confidence boost and she was ready to rip! Her latest obsession: gloves with the finger tips cut off...um okay?

4- linc is 7 months old, almost 8! Time is flying.. his favorite things: cords, pacifier, feet, and his silly sister!

5- officially have my own desk at work! And I dont even mind being stuck in the corner cube.

6- lots of home projects coming up. This month my parents are going to redo my bathroom! Excited to get rid of the classy gas station sink and yellow shower walls!

7- im on the lookout for two things: a full time army job and a new vehicle...which will come first?

There's some truth to this article...

http://thoughtcatalog.com/ella-ceron/2014/08/you-will-fall-in-love-with-a-broken-person/

To the best friend I have drifted apart from...

I hope this finds you on a day that is filled with blessings and happiness.

I know we are no longer as close as we once were, and I ask myself over and over again, why?

I guess that is what happens when we grow up and establish our own lives. You never think it's going to be your best friend who ends up no longer being your best friend...we go back years and I can remember all our good times. I miss the bond we used to share, especially when we needed each other most. I wish I was still a part of your life and in the know, it saddens me that that's no longer how it is.

However, our friendship was a large part of who I am today and how I managed to get to where I am now. I hope I have influenced your life in some way too.

I can't say that I am at all okay with it, but I know that it happens. And with that, I want to wish you well in your life and I hope that you are finding joy in all of your endeavors.

-Forever and always your friend

It Works!

You've heard about those crazy wraps that swear they help shrink those fat cells and stubborn areas? Well, I have and to be honest, I thought they were a joke. I had no interest in trying it.. one day I just had to see what the fuss was all about...

Well, it really does work! I've lost inches with just one wrap! I do swear by a clean diet and exercise, but sometimes, it's not enough. When you're like me and have had kids, you have that stubborn mom belly that literally will not go away! UGh, I tried the wrap for that reason alone, to see if it would help with my mom belly, and to my surprise, it has! (I have pictures to prove it, will put on my next post).

But I wanted to share my link, click on it and browse, see what you think...

http://ashlypiepenburg.sharewraps.com

No need to feel obligated to buy these products, but take it from me, someone who is very skeptical on just about everything, that it really has worked for me and those stubborn areas. Because if you know me, you know that I whole heartedly believe that you should exercise and eat healthy for ultimate body results. BUT It Works, really does work! They have other products as well, such as vitamins, skin care lines, and greens. Try it, you will be surprised as the results! :)

Enough of my sales pitch talk, I hope you've all had a great weekend!

Back to reality...

And this brings me back to reality, that the past is the past...cuz after all, I am a bad ass indeed. ;)

Memory lane

I had an extremely powerful feeling that I needed to go back to Germany like yesterday. I visited with a friend about it and we decided that we were going to retire there...we can dream, right?

Well....I decided to look for a favorite picture from when I lived there. In all honesty, there wasn't a single picture I saw that brought back a happy memory. I was not expecting that reaction...I am saddened that all I feel is an over powering feeling of guilt and resentment. Guilt is because of mistakes I made while young and dumb, and resentment towards an emotional bully that destroyed who I was as a person.

I know they say you shouldn't have regrets because at one time, it was what you wanted...well I think its definitely a possibility to regret those choices, especially when it influences your entire life.

I am totally content with how my life is, but I will admit that I should have been smarter. I should have listened to my gut...and kick myself for only now seeing the ridiculousness I got myself in to. Shizah!

Well regardless of how that chapter in my life ended, it's something I never want to relive and focussing on my future with my littles is all that is important. I've Learned from my mistakes, and will be certain not to make those again.

Love for my littles...

Day 7 8 & 9 are over!

One more dat of AT til im home with my littles! And i can get back to my norm!

Where to start? Friday I finally ran 3+ miles without stopping! Slow progress is better than no progress! Tonight (Sunday), I did a quick walk/run/sprint workout...almost 3 miles. I am definitely whipped! Been feeling hella shitty...overworked and sleep deprived!

I was feeling a little down this weekend so I went home Saturday to see my littles for a few hours, miss them so much! My sweet Linc is on the move! Not full crawling but moves himself around with his feet and arms! ♡ him! I had tears watching him.

Today, my mom brought Bri up to see me for just a few hours...went to the craft store and had P.F. Changs...delicious! I definitely needed to see them!

I finally had a chance to have one of my heart to hearts with my dad... I love our conversations and his ability to keep me in perspective and not pass judgement...best dad ever!

And while I'm loving on my family, I can't forget about Molly! Our conversations quoting Austin Powers and discussing awkward and embarrassing things remind me how awesome and totally weird we are together!

Army news: love my job but I'm only one person and can only do so much! Ugh... burnt out to the max! One more full day of Army then off for a few weeks and back at it in August...

And that's all she wrote...shower time & bed time for this mama!

Day 4 5 & 6 complete!

We've had some good army training and even better unit camaraderie! I am thankful to have some pretty awesome soldiers and friends in my unit.

I had some good exercise and guidance in the gym and on the PT field. I am definitely hurting...but pain is gain!

This week I went to Pizzeria Lola, best pizza ever! It was on the show Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives...seriously who thought a sunny side up egg would taste so good on a pizza!

I also went out for sushi with two of my favorites. We tried just about everything and for my first time at Masu, I was impressed. It was so damn delicious...my favorite was the BLT sushi roll. Instead of bacon they used crispy salmon and fish eggs with a hint of cilantro. Orgasms in your mouth for sure! Also had some sticky bun sandwiches, sashimi, nagiri, ramen, pickle platter, grilled zucchini and eggplant, I cant even remember it all. But believe me, I will be going back for sushi!

Tonight I took my friend shopping. She's not like I am, one who loves to shop. But she picked up some cute stuff. I also found some good deals and stocked up on some tops for me and the littles. I love some retail therapy especially at H&M and Francesca's!

4 more days til I'm home with my littles!

Quick brag: Briahna passed swimming lessons and Linc is on the move doing the low crawl getting into things!!

Day 3 of AT complete

Took a trip on a C130 as a mock patient for the medevac squadron. We observed the Air force doing their job as flight medics. It was a great experience! I'm intrigued to potentially change my career path...

We were released early and I came back to my room and slept! I was so tired today I could hardly stand it. I've finally gotten a chance to get a full nights sleep.

Speaking of that, I miss my kiddies! So so much! I called and said goodnight to them and got so sad! I hate being away from them. I'm thankful that I do get to have them on a daily basis, I couldn't imagine not having them. They are in good hands tho, getting in some quality dad and grandma time.

Anyways, its time to get ready for bed! More sleep for this girl!

Day 2 of AT

Day 2 of AT complete! This cool guy and I got first place in our land navigation course competition!

I just got orders to attend a Suicide Prevention course in Utah! I am extremely proud to be a part of the suicide prevention program but know that it will be a very hard challenge. It is a very touchy subject in the military and something that needs to be taken seriously.

I am also hoping to became a SHARP advocate as well (dealing with sexual harassment).

I am proud of my service and am really looking forward to my military career advancements and achievements!

Luckiest of them all

I am seriously the luckiest mom in the world!
Life gets ridiculously stressful at times and I get overwhelmed, but at the end of the day, I get to come home to these two!I am on Day 1 of Annual training (10 to go) and already missing my babies. Unfortunately my parents weren't able to watch my kids while I am away...but fortunately their dad was able to take leave to be with them. As hard as it is for me to leave them, I have to trust that they are well taken care of. And I know their dad will do his best. I am glad they are able to have their time with him, and they get to see their grandmother (aka bà nôi). Bri hasn't seen her since 2011 and it will be Linc's first time.I want them to experience their Vietnamese customs and culture. It's something I can't give them on my own. Clearly they have it in their blood and their names Thào My (Bri) and Thanh tù (Linc), but I hope they can speak it, enjoy the cuisine, and one day visit Vietnam where Bà nôi was born. I was not aware of all of the customs and hierarchy of their culture. It hindered my relationship with the family so I at least want my kids to know them and have a close relationship with their relatives. Very few kids are lucky to have a diverse upbringing with different nationalities being a direct part of their lives.

On the plus side...

So I've had some venting posts recently and thought I'd change that and put up something happy!

Yesterday the weather was gorgeous and we had absolutely no plans...I didn't want to sit inside all day so we made a quick trip to get a little inflatable pool. We filled it up, 4 totes of water and 8 hot hot gallons of water made it perfect to play in. I definitely have water babies! ;)

I layed out my gigantic towel blanket with some toys, tunes, and ice cold water and just watched my kids play...they amaze me.

Put down your damn phone...for real tho...

Or pick it up...I have a love hate relationship with people and phones. Seriously, its annoying! So so annoying!

The hate: if your with someone, anyone, and they are trying to like have a conversation with you, put your phone down. ... what it so damn important that you need to look at now? It says a lot about you if you can't have a conversation face to face cuz you're too worried about your phone. And snap chat, don't even get me started...

And if someone does connect with you via text, at least respond. Not necessarily then and there, but make an effort at some point.

I used to be on my phone a lot more until I realized that I love human interaction way more. How can you have a meaningful conversation or relationship with someone via phone? Not possible.

The love: I do love getting random texts and calls from family and friends who are far away. I love to talk on the phone (when im in the car).

But mostly, I hate it. And unfortunately, we live in a generation who knows nothing different. I miss flip phones and the days before smartphones.

Keep your head up and stop missing life!

My Friday night...

Seriously the best night for a fire! We went over to my parents place for dinner and a fire to make up for Tuesday (bri ended up being sick on her bday). It was fun for her, we played Life, had a yummy dinner, played ladderball, sat by the fire, and both kids got a ride on the lawnmower! For the first time in a while, I just relaxed in the lounger! It was nice. I Miss these summer nights...

As I lay here...

My mind is racing! Racing with thoughts across the board... I should be sleeping, wait, I need to be sleeping! But I'm not, I'm wide awake...constantly checking both kids making sure they are okay! Linc is still struggling with respiratory problems and bri came down with a 102 fever tonight. Does it ever end? Sheesh!

To be continued....

I'm back. I was able to sneak in another hour of sleep, but to do so, had to move to the couch with Linc to get him comfortable. Earlier he napped there for 3 hours....needless to say, I was hoping he'd do the same. But I'll take one hour over nothing!

... and now it's morning. Did I even sleep? Ugh! I'm so over this...it breaks my heart when my kids are sick!

I'm beginning to resent a few things...unfortunately I don't have a choice but to be a full time single mom with very little help aside from my close family. It is me who doesn't sleep, it is me who has to risk my job because I have to stay home from work, it is me who has to survive solely on myself. So dont 'you' dare compare your struggles to mine. We are not in the same boat and I'm in this alone because of you.

I know I have support, but at times it would be helpful to have someone else take the nightly duties or watch my babies so I can get to work or take care of necessities or simply to share the good times with. I'm feeling mighty bitter today.

End rant.

She's growing up so fast

Happy 7th birthday to my beautiful daughter! I am so proud to be her mom! She is truly an amazing little girl with a heart of gold! And a very good big sister to her brother! I can't believe how lucky I am to call her mine! Love her to pieces!

I am wrecked...

So my dad would say...

Linc has been terribly under the weather and worked us over. We are all wrecked!

My poor baby has struggled with respiratory problems since he was born. It's been a never ending battle. For the most part, antibiotics have helped. But really, he's been fighting something nearly every other week.

Dr. states its maybe because his nasal passages are so small. I suppose that's possible, but I don't know any other 6 month old that's been sick as much as linc...

I'm taking him in to get a second opinion this week, just to cover my bases. I want to Make sure there are no other underlying causes that we've missed.

I also need my sleeping boy back.... this time around has kept him up every hour throwing himself around and not fading back asleep. It's taken a toll on this momma for sure. I'm so tired!

Please send us some positive healthy vibes so he can feel better soon!

Jenn & Aaron

My dear friend had the perfect day to marry her best friend! Jenn and Aaron finally tied the knot! They had a beautiful ceremony and a reception that was a true Weihr celebration!

So. Busy. I. Can. Hardly. Stand. It.

I really don't mind being busy, but I'd like a happy medium! I have been so busy to the point of being overwhelmed to the max!

I recently accepted a full time position at the clinic that is and will keep me busy. On top of work, I have my two amazing kiddos to tend to! My weekends have been packed with weddings, army, family time, and maintaining my house! I'm spent.

There isn't enough time in the day and I'm only one person! I try to do it all, but have come to the realization that I can't do it alone. That being said, I've had to reach out for help. Ugh, I hate asking for help, but am so thankful for those who've stepped up! It's greatly appreciated, more than you know.

I've decided to reevaluate what I've got going on, trying to make more time for my kids and doing things I enjoy! I can't give up my job or the army, but I've decided to hold off on booking any more makeup jobs for a while. I absolutely love doing it, but at times, its more of a unneeded stress.

I'm still deciding about my relationship status. Its very hard to balance my home life, my professional life, and my love life and dedicate enough quality time to each. I need a healthy balance! As much as I would like to enjoy having a partner and having me time, I really cant sacrifice the little time I do have with my kids.

Oh what do I do? How do I balance it all out?

...the life of a single mom

Happy Father's Day!

My kids are so lucky to have these two guys in their life!

Falling off the bandwagon...

I've tried not to have a million excuses, but here I am, yet again, failing at my fitness and weight loss goals! :( there seriously isn't enough time in a day to get everything accomplished!

I've had nearly no chance to get out running, I can just barely run my two mile army requirement. I really want to run some races,; but having no one to watch the kids or even a jogging stroller, I am out of options some days. :(

For a while, I was doing my short exercises in the evenings, but have been slacking off on those as well. By the time I've finished work, made dinner, spent time with the kids, did chores, and anything else needed to be done, I'm whipped! It's usually 8-9p and by then its bed time for the kids...and myself! I just can't hang...

My eating habits are still pretty healthy, but I'll be honest and say that I've slipped up on that as well. Cookies are truly my weakness!

A plus side: I do go walking at work, usually a mile or two during the day. And I also won a weight loss challenge for the month of May! It is a 6 month challenge, two more months to hopefully win!

Anyways, I am really hoping to lose the rest of this baby weight, even just be at 143 and fit into all my prebaby clothes...and tone up so I can wear my swimsuit and feel comfortable!

No more excuses!

Just sayin'...

Virgo's

Do me a favor: and stop lying, stop being so selfish, and be nice...for no other reason than just because. My faith in humanity fell down the toilet today. Seriously...I hate people some days.

Commitment issues...

After dating a new guy, completely different than any other guy I've ever been interested in, I realize that in the past, I was the one with commitment issues.

It was almost as though I didn't feel that I deserved a good relationship. Subconsciously, I am pretty sure I did everything to mess up whatever good relationship I did have. I was/am very inexperienced in the 'love' category. Too inexperienced to be honest. I have no idea what it's like to be in a true relationship.

At one point in time, I was told that I 'don't live in a fairytale.' That statement has haunted me, and left me feeling like my thoughts of wanting happiness and love were out of reach. Which, in turn, left me in a position where I avoided any sort of romantic relationship with the person I wanted most.

Now that I've met someone, I have really had to force myself to allow him to get close to me. Right off the bat, I really enjoyed his company. I did however, contemplate not seeing him again because I was so scared to open myself up to the risk of being hurt. But instead, I saw him again and am so thankful I did. I dont know what the future holds, but I can't wait to see where it goes for us!

Here's to learning how to commit, love, and accept kindness!

This girl...

I love this girl to pieces! She is my little sidekick and always a helper. I can't tell her enough how amazing she is! :)

This day...

Is Memorial day. A day dedicated to those who gave the ultimate sacrifice while fighting for our country. You will never be forgotten for your act of heroism and valor.

I went to a small memorial parade this morning. It's always very emotional for me watching our flag march by, carried by the veterans of past wars. They take such pride. The very last thing was a man in a black uniform walking along a horse wearing a POW-MIA saddle. I most definitely shed a tear for those who became prisoners of war, and worse, missing in action.
I pray for the families who've suffered the loss of a soldier. They too gave the ultimate sacrifice.

To my fellow brothers and sisters, always remember those who've lost their lives so we could continue to serve and live ours.

One of my favorites...banh mi (Vietnamese version of Subway)

5 months.

My sweet boy is 5 months old today!

And this poor guy is still under the weather. We've been using his nebulizer daily and catering to his needs, and sometimes...nothing works. Poor guy possibly has an ear infection as well. In the words of my dad, 'does it ever end?' I'm exhausted.

Aside from that, we celebrated Linc at 5 months by adding in some sweet carrots to his cereal. He does so well eating from a spoon! And isn't too terribly messy, either. Love this guy!

He's tearing up his play time by rolling, scooting, kicking, and screaming! He's got an obsession with his pacifier, and not that he needs to suck on it, but he plays with it and chews on it, literally attempts to shove the entire thing in his mouth! Silly boy!

I've lost the battle of keeping him asleep on his back, I now have a tummy sleeper! Which is great because he sleeps longer. I just check him constantly!

I love watching him grow and develop his own personality. He's a charmer.

And I couldn't raise him to be this amazing without the help from Briahna, Tuan, my parents, and sister!

Celebrity Crush...I just had to share

Taylor

My poor baby had his first experience with a nebulizer in the ER tonight. :(

I had noticed he was having labored breathing and wheezing and decided to get him checked out. I always hate going to the ER, but on a Sunday night, it was my only option.

So the first Dr. could definitely tell by his wheezing that he needed a nebulizer. Linc did great! They tested for RSV and Strep and both were negative. Whew! The Dr. had shift change so then we had a second Dr. He didn't seem concerned about the rapid breathing or retraction in his chest.

By the time we left, the wheezing stopped, O2 stats were good, two scripts for a nebulizer and prednisone, no diagnosis, and i had a sleeping baby.

I'm not a Dr. by any means, but I guess for a parent everything is worrisome. Linc is still having rapid breathing with retraction in his chest. (Retraction is when he inhaled, part of his chest retracts inward instead of rising ) If the Dr. Wasn't worried, then do I take that as everything is okay? I guess when breathing patterns aren't normal, it's a red flag that something is going on.

But on a Sunday night, all I can do is monitor him and pray he heals up quickly.

Aside from the fact that I had to work, I had an awesome day.

When I returned home from work, I made some lunch for Bri and I, fed Linc cereal, and plAyed a game. I lost. Bri loves games, she also loves to 'win' at my expense. If I turn away, she 'magically' appears to draw a card or make a move in her favor. I no longer turn away. ;)

We went to the new park by the lake, by the time Bri was there and having fun playing, Linc not only threw up on me three times, he threw up right down the middle of my jeans and threw to my underwear. Um...ew. so I was the cool mom with a 'pee'spot full of spitup. Awesome.

Eventually I was tired of having wet undies and we headed out. We took a pit stop by the gardens. Very few flowers and trees were in bloom. Thanks Minnesota. We roamed the garden, "I'm just gonna stop and read every sign, okay mom?" Um...no. (nearly every sign was 'in memory of so and so.' At one point, Bri decided she was going to pose for pictures at every rock sighting...unless of course, there was a bug. Instead that was a sure way of my 6 y.o. sprinting in the opposite direction.

Linc was sound asleep through all this I might add. His job was done after he decided to vomit all over me. Silly boy.

We finally made it back to the car, my pants were dry btw... comfy, right? We headed out to get some ice cream for the evening and afternoon snack. I'm an awesome mom, I definitely bought Bri a strawberry cheesecake blizzard. Lucky girl.

Blog challenge: 5 people who have influenced you and why?

1- Briahna: she was my reason for moving on and picking up the pieces of a broken relationship. Her spirit, kindness, and little personality gave me the strength to realize life has so much to offer. She reminded me that it's okay to be silly and simply enjoy the small things.

2- My mom, dad, sister: they stood by me no matter what the circumstances were. When I misbehave back in the day, they still loved me and guided me in the right direction. Today, they help me out with my kids. They remind me that I am a good person when I feel I have failed. They are all genuine people in their words and actions, I strive to be that way.

3- SGT Chicoine: my squad leader, has given me the opportunity to become a better soldier. He's given me tasks and allowed me to be a part of my unit. Also encourages me to go farther in my Army career.

4- Her: I say this term loosely and as broad as possible. To those who've tried and succeeded at swindling their way into my marriage: you've influenced me to never be like you. And you've also influenced me to put forth a better effort into my relationships. If I had, you're ways would have failed. I now know to value my relationships and everything about my partner. I know when to fight and when to walk away from toxic relationships.

5- Me: I am no where near perfect and never will be. I have made mistakes that I am still paying for. I've looked back at the old me, and influenced myself to be a better me. I want to do the right thing, be a good person for my family and friends, I strive to move forward despite the circumstances. I dont ever want to be like I was in the past. I am satisfied where I've headed and it can only get better from here.

Other people influence me on a daily basis. I've learned to appreciate differences among other and take it as a learning experience. People are constantly driven to do better, and I am thankful to have such people in my life. So if you've influenced me some how, thank you.

To my mom:

I know I don't say thank you near as much as I should. You have been an amazing supportive mother to me and the kids. They are truly lucky to have you as their Nana.

I am thankful to have you as my mom. You've been there for me no matter what. I am glad that we have developed a true friendship. Thank you for guiding me in the right direction when I've made mistakes. Thank you for giving me the strength I needed when I felt nothing would go right. Without you, I definitely would not be where I am today.

I love you and everything you've given me to grow. You are an amazing and beautiful woman, mother, and Nana. Love you!

I recently read through some old blogs I posted...you can see my progression from bitterly angry to having a more positive energy.

However, those blogs were painfully reminding me that I've been very selfish and hateful. As much as I don't want to admit that, I suppose it's true. And actually, I'm not sorry.

The worst question I've ever asked was "why?" And the worst answer I ever got was "I don't know. " and thats the same answer I still get whenever I ask any question. The secrets are out, I dont understand why there are still lies and more secrets. Apparently bad habits die hard for some.

So after all this time of still not getting real closure, I'm closing the door to this. I will never get the truth and frankly, I don't care anymore. Hate is a strong word but a very powerful feeling. And unfortunately, its a very real feeling.

My intention of being civil and fair will always apply, but believe me when I say everything now will cater to my kids and I, no one else. Ever.

The past has made me bitter And better...

Custody

Here's a touchy subject for ya. It should be as clear as black and white, but unfortunately, it is most definitely not.

For the longest time, I felt that everything should be equal among parents sharing custody. That was until I had a glimpse at reality. Some parents can accommodate their lives to handle caring for their kids half the time, while other's cannot.

By accommodate, I mean doing what you say and saying what you do. If it's your 'turn' to have your kids, SHOW UP! Regardless of your plans, you make the time and adjust accordingly. The primary parent doesn't get to decide not to show up. They are there day in and day out.

I've began to believe it's not always easy to be fair. Eventually it becomes only to be about what's best for the kids. Why temporarily disrupt their daily life for an event that may or may not happen again? Why send them to the other parents for time away when said parent doesn't want them consistently? Why excite a child only to have to tell them 'mom/dad isn't coming.' It's heartbreaking for that child.

No ones wants to go to court over this issue or take the children away from their other parent, but where do you draw the line? How many times does disappointment have to arise before enough is enough? Who really gets to have a say?

Or how about a parent who has been absent all of a sudden wants back in? Or a parent who originally didnt want to 'keep' an unborn child? Do they just get to be free of consequences? Who really gets to decide who gets the child, when, and for how long? It's easy for a bitter parent to want to make the other parent suffer. But what about the parent who tries to be fair and it never happens? Who decides? How do parents agree? Who is right?

And you, we automatically assume it's the dads who are deadbeats, but there are plenty of terrible moms out there too.

It's a never-ending battle when two parents don't see eye to eye.

Dating

Dating is totally new to me, but I'm happy I took a risk and put myself out there. I had the opportunity to meet a very good guy. his personality and kindness bring a smile to my face!

It's hard for me to accept kindness as it is new to me. Perhaps I always felt like I didn't deserve it so I didn't always receive it. Regardless, it is a step in the right direction, finally finding and deserving happiness.

Remember that you only get the type of love you think you deserve. And you deserve a whole lot. Don't forget that.

Just having a moment...

I've been trying to write a good blog for the last several weeks, and nothing is flowing. I can't decide to vent or brag! I have plenty of ideas to do both, but once I get then written, I change my mind.

I think I've been avoiding the venting, because if I do, it will definitely call someone out and I don't want to do that. Even if I generalize the topic, it's still points fingers, and is rather not.

I've posted a few brags, especially about my kids. They really are amazing. As much as they are my whole life, I need to have brags unrelated to them too.

So on that note:

Vent: I HATE BEING IGNORED. Not going to get into it right now.

Brag: I have been strictly clean eating since Sunday. Had one bad snack of oreos, but have been following my eating plan and exercise daily (even if its at home). I already feel a difference from eating less processed foods.

So that is all. Its 6am, a quick nap before I have to be up for my busy Saturday plans: makeup for Sarah, fix/clean my car, and wedding with D!

Enjoy your weekend my friends!

-be curious, not judgemental.

Nothing too eventful has gone on recently, and I'm totally okay with that.

This week has been spent working and spending the evenings with my littles! I love them more and more each day!

Bri continues to advance her reading skills and education. She's been into creating new things out of old items/boxes/cartons. She created a house/play area for her Littlest Pet Shops. And she knows just to make me laugh, she's very witty and quick on her feet!

Linc is 4 months! He's so handsome! He's about 17 lbs. He's so close to rolling over from back to front. He already does front to back. He is laughing and giggling when we tickle him. And he even is attentive to peek-a-boo and laughs!

Those two make my world complete!

We need to have hope. We need to have something to look forward to when things seem to be going rough.

I always hope for the best but prepare for the worst.

Be hopefully and humble, friends.

I am so blessed! These two are quite amazing and bring me so much joy! Love them to pieces!

Oh who me?

Oh no, I don't need sleep. I'm beginning to believe I'm no longer in a normal functional state of mind, but of survival now. I am beyond exhausted.

My sweet Lincoln has come down with or is fighting something and had a few rough nights. I am wondering if it's a reaction to his shots the other day. Regardless, he's definitely not himself and disruptive towards his routine.

He's been awake or restless all night! It's 3am and I've yet to sleep a full hour. I mean, obviously, I will do anything to make certain he is okay, but I am to the point where I am getting sick myself. Lack of sleep does that to me. :(

I'm hoping this weekend we can fight it off and get some much-needed solid rest.

On the bright side, my Bri is doing well. Had her dance recital tonight! She's definitely a shining star and put on a fantastic show! Love her!

I'm off to potentially get some rest. Enjoy your weekend my friends!

Trial run for prom makeup for this lovely 17 year old! I was excited to get my hands on my brushes and play with my pallets. She battles acne and I was able ton nearly make it disappear! I used Graftobian, Ben Nye, Makeup Forever, Smashbox, and Kryolan. Makeup is a passion of mine and am so thankful for the education I received at Faces Etc. Of Minnesota.

I have several more events/weddings coming up and am so excited to glam up some beautiful ladies!

Blog challenge: talk about cattiness in women.

This is one of those touchy subjects...but something I simply don't understand.

All my life I've struggled with other females and I have no idea why. I may appear to be unpleasant and come across as unapproachable, but that means nothing. I wanted nothing more than to have solid friendship with other girls. Apparently my demeanor has a lot to do with that. Granted now I do have a few close female friends, there are still moments of cattiness among other females.

I'm nearly 27 years old and am in awe that women my age and older are still so catty. I spoke of work, no one wants to mind their business. They seem to get joy out of trying to make others feel bad. My reaction is always to kill them with kindness. It works. ;)

When I hear catty, I think of three opportunities I had to confront women who over stepped boundaries into my marriage. Three times I spoke to them and respectfully asked them to back off, and three times I became the bad guy and they moved in even further. Not once did they step back and realize I wasn't the bad guy. I was simply fighting for my marriage. Needless to say, their catty behavior lead towards an end of a relationship. How did they not see where I was coming from? To see the pain and hurt it caused my family. The new movie coming out, the other women, portrays what should have happened. The girls team up to put the unfaithful husband to shame. But that's not reality. Women don't comfort eachother. It's such a forbidden territory that we degrade eachother instead.

We need to empower eachother, give eachother the confidence to strive and support to be better. Stop trying to put a woman down because she's different than you. And for goodness sake, own up to the ridiculous behavior of being catty for no reason. Let's create a movement: take care of eachother! Be the women we were meant to be. Be happy for another's achievements. Give credit where credit is due. Show respect!

Checked another thing off my list of something new: riding along in a milk truck.

So my dad drives for a friend on occasion and I decided to tag along. #1-i always feel like a badass in big trucks and #2-im fascinated by the dairy industry. Though I would probably never have my own cows, they play a huge role in our food chain. Plus, I love milk!

We picked up a large tank from East Dublin Dairy. They have over 5000 cows that are in a constant milking rotation. They have a large rotating platform that holds 80 cows and takes 6 minutes for a rotation. The amount of milk they produce is insane!

When we took the milk to FDA, they take a sample and when u go to unload, they let u know if your tank is clean or contaminated.

I'm glad I got to experience this process and spend some quality time with my dad. I'm definitely a daddy's girl! Can't wait for my little farm girl Bri to experience it too.

Celebrating the bride-to-be at her shower! Delicious mimosas and mini cheesecake! I'm so excited to be a part of her big day as her personal attendant & makeup artist! Next up: bachelorette party! :)

Thoughts...

I have so many thoughts lately. So much to do. So much to think about...its to the point where I'd rather take a nap then worry about that stuff...

Had a little shopping day today, #1- I hate spending money. I'm already feeling financially weak and shopping doesn't help, esp when there are things I do actually need. #2- I cant seem to drop this baby weight for the life of me and it took an emotional toll on me in the changing room. I feel disgusting and hate that nothing fits right anymore. :( I'll continue on my journey to lose weight, it's going to be hard, but it's something that has to be done for myself. Asap! #3- i can't shop with other people. I have my own style that can be very different from others. I tried on several items only to get a face of disgust...granted I dont care what anyone thinks, its frustrating when u ask 'how does this look' and u get the look of death. Regardless, I didn't buy the dress (super cute maxi) and am bothered that I realized I am sooooooo awkwardly different from everyone I know. Yes,
its totally okay to be different, but sometimes it's nice to have someone to relate with.

I'm over it though. On to a brighter day tomorrow! Helping out a friend for her bridal shower and spending some much needed time with my littles!

I need a vacation. Stat!

Its the middle of April and we just got over a foot of snow! Wtf!!!!!!

I think this winter has further encouraged to move out of the north! I'm spent. Im so over getting stuck, being cold, and the gas bill! ;)

Spring needs to hurry up and stay a while!!

Little bit of everything...

My amazing sister is home!!! She's been home since Wednesday and we could not be happier! She's currently 18 weeks pregnant with her first! I am beyond excited for her! We even threw her a Star Wars themed baby shower yesterday!

I'm so thankful for the bond we share And the fact that we can talk about EVERYTHING under the moon and laugh at eachother's ridiculousness! We have no shame.

She's been my rock and always there for me. In a sense, she's my protector and my go-to. As I am all of those to her, we are truly lucky have eachother.

Im schooling her on motherhood while she's here. She's already great with Bri and Linc so she's just getting to know the little details no one tells you about motherhood! Like pee and poop...it never ends! Spit up becomes a fashion accessory and you should wear it proudly! ;)

Our family is already so close, and adding in little ones has and will continue to keep us close. I am lucky to have a family who isn't quick to judge and is willing to drop everything to be by our side in a time of need.

I am ecstatic to travel to Florida when sister moves there in a few weeks! And if things work out in my favor, I would love to join her! The only thing keeping me here is my parents and if they move, I'm moving too!

Speaking of traveling, I am hoping to take the littles to Colorado soon for a mini vacation to see their dad and his new puppy! Bri is so excited to see the pup that she asked if we could go tomorrow! She's going to have lots of stories with all her travel plans this summer. She's one lucky lady!

I do have a busy work week but excited for my 3 day Easter weekend with my fam and shopping on Friday with the girls!

Hope all you lovelies have a fabulous week!

It's also called being an adult. Respect is rare in today's society. I have an admiration for those who can be respectful regardless of the situation they may find themselves in. And for those who can't, I am sorry for you. Your foundation needs strengthening.

The pits & peaks

The pit: so a while ago I got some news that irritated me. I asked questions with only the intent to get the truth. That was something I never received. And to this day has made me extremely bitter. I've done everything I can to be fair when it comes to sharing my littles. However, I have not received that fairness in return. I had one request: do what u say and say what you do. How hard is that? Why am I the one who has to bend over backwards to accommodate someone else? Why do they get to up and leave with no repercussions? Annoyed...

The peak: date #3 was a sucess. So many laughs and great company! If I can make him laugh, my job is done. :) we've been talking for about 2 months and its nice to finally feel a sense of joy and excitement! I'm not in any rush to get into a relationship but I am excited that I've slowly made a real connection with him! Date #4 planning in the works!

I hate the pits...but climbing up has brought me to the peaks!

PSA

To everyone who thinks it's 'funny' to secretly take and post pictures making fun of others: grow the hell up.

We live in a society that lacks common sense and compassion. Posting such pictures can nearly destroy someone completely. Who do you think you are thinking such behavior is acceptable?

Parents, teach your children respect and compassion towards others. And for goodness sake, punish them for their disgusting behavior.

I was not a victim of this, but someone very close to me was. And for what? To have .2 seconds of instagram fame? Grow up! And you better believe that Karma is a bitch.

Ugh, I'm so upset by this! I feel so terrible that it happened to someone I love, and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I can only hope the picture was removed and the person who posted it gets the punishment they deserve.

The big and the small...

It's time to set some goals and chase dreams! I have some small goals to achieve and some big dreams to chase! And I am 100% dedicated to accomplish them all!

A few small goals:
Arrive to work 10 minutes early everyday
Spend 1 on 1 time with my kiddies daily
Do one thing everyday that is new or scary

Fitness goals:
Lose 13 lbs by summer
Pass my PT test in June with an 80% or higher
Run a half marathon this summer

Chasing dreams:
Get my promotion to Sergeant this summer
Start pursuing/finish my BA degree
Pursue a full time job opportunity with the DoD

I have more, but these are current and things to work on and accomplish in the near future.

What are you going to do to become a better you? Don't be afraid to start small and go big. I am living proof that you can hit rock bottom and work your ass off to the top!

With an amazing support system, family, and friends, I was and will be able to accomplish so much to be a better me and give my kiddos the best life possible.

It's your turn.

New Things

So I've been forcing myself to try new things...new things such as food. Tonight's menu included Mayan (central American food). I tried cow tongue tacos and tamales for the first time. So spicy!!!!!!!! But not bad actually!

-amen.

No makeup?

So I've seen the social media trends of taking selfies with no makeup to help raise awareness for cancer. Immediately, I thought what a ridiculous idea. It felt as though people are referring to the fact that no makeup is a bad thing. That it is a sign of ugliness. Um what? How could posting a no makeup selfies be any way to raise awareness for cancer?

After my brief thoughts, I ignored the selfies. This morning I happen to come across an article written by a cancer patient. Her explanation of how no makeup selfies were a crude reminder that even with no makeup, these women are still healthy and beautiful. I do not have cancer so I cannot relate, but I agree. A cancer patient looks in the mirror and doesn't see herself anymore. In her article, she would give anything to have a no makeup selfies that looked like her. So please stop thinking no makeup is a bad thing, beauty is more than what's on your face.

Raise awareness by doing something that truly benefits cancer research and its prevalence.

No more excuses!

So I am over 3 months postpartum...and my journey back to my prepregnancy body has come to a stand-still. I've wanted to get back to my fitness goals since I was 6 weeks postpartum, but I've since come up with nearly every excuse as to why I haven't been following through.

It's come time where I am unsatisfied with my body as I've been filling it with garbage foods and avoiding the gym. I hate the mom belly and untoned muscles...prior to baby Linc, I was on track. I was at a weight, size, and fitness level I was proud of.

I know they say it takes time, and I have to make the time, but I literally feel like I have NO time! Instead of taking advantage of the time I have had to exercise, I used that time to be with ny kids, sleep, and watch tv. Instead of eating cleaner, I've given in to my cookie addiction and continue to zip through the drive-through...it's time I make myself accountable for my actions and change my lifestyle back to what it was prior to pregnancy.

I just need the motivation and dedication to kick me in the ass and go!

This little miss is so stinkin' smart! Thankful that she loves to read! Love her!

♥ -a few things I do daily

Date #2 was a success! We met up at a pool hall, let's just say I'm no hustler! I love playing though and I think it may be my new skill to master!

It was fun continuing to get to know him. We laughed and joked until our 4th game was up. If we were being technical, I won. But we weren't, and he kicked my butt! At one point, he had shot all his stripes in and the table was left with ALL my solids! :(

We ended the night at Bdubs with a beer and wings...yes they were delicious! We had good conversation and I'm excited for #3! :)

Blog challenge: how have you changed in the past 2 years?

I am going to change that to the last 3 years, as that is when my life made a complete 180...

I am happy to say that I have changed for the better in so many ways. A major change is how I view life in general. It has been a long road, but at the end of the day, I am still alive and blessed with so much. I value you family and my relationships. Its all about quality not quantity. I am okay with my small tight-knit group of people in my life. They are all that matters.

I was young and dumb and did dumb things. I am glad I experienced that scene, but am also glad that i no longer have a desire to party or drink. I would much rather spend an evening home with my littles watching movies, playing Pet Shops, and stealing every moment I can before an early bedtime!

I have learned how to be alone and how to accept being alone. And as a matter of fact, its okay. I get to do me all day. I want a partner to enjoy life with, but I know its not a top priority. I am content with where I am and how I am. It will take a lot to change my relationship status to anything but single!

I have always been a respectful person, no matter the situation. I have learned that showing respect shows what kind of person you are. As much as I may dislike someone, I give them the respect. There are a few people who don't deserve my respect, but I will do my best to..."kill them with kindness."

Overall, I have changed and grown into an adult. I have had the ability to recreate my life and turn it in to my own regardless of what has been thrown at me. I no longer yearn for others approval and trying to please them. I no longer feel the necessity to put forth an effort towards toxic relationships, it is, indeed, okay to walk away from those who are no longer fit.

Change can be difficult, and by all means, it was for me. However, those changes have made my life 100% better. No question!

In just a few days my sweet Lincoln will be 3 months old! The time has gone by way too quick!

Every day I stare at him and Bri and realize how lucky I really am. They are my pride and joy, and they have no idea how important thet are to me.

Everything I do is for them. So I can provide for them and give them the best chance possible to have a good life. And at times, its overwhelming.

That being said, several 'challenges' have presented themselves. First off, I have been breastfeeding Linc and as of late, I simply have a low supply. I set a short goal to make it 3 months and I'm barely there. The inability to continue to nurse him breaks my heart, and I feel so guilty. Of course I will continue as long as I can but I don't foresee it going too much longer :(.

Second, daycare fees are going to break me! It's insane how expensive it is. At times I wish I could stay at home with my kids, but unfortunately we all know that cant happen. And with my current work schedule, its not enough. So I've had to begin looking for a second job. :( I'm already gone a lot with work and Army, this will just increase my absence...all because I need to pay for daycare. I'm hoping something works out and I can go back to having one full time job. Wish me luck!

Third, I guess this isn't a challenge, but an awkward and confusing situation... the kiddies have the next 4 days with their dad. I get extremely anxious and emotional when its time for them to see him. I guess I never know how to act or what to say, as I still hold on to a lot of anger towards it all. I constantly remind myself that its not for me, but for the kids and their dad to be together.

On the bright side, I get the weekend to get some things done and date #2!! :)

What a lovely day I had...Starbucks, mani/pedi, makeup shopping, and Chipolte with Jaime! It was a much needed day away from work and life's daily struggle.

It's been a long time since I've been able to say and feel that everything is okay! Today, I can say it.

I've had too many trials and tribulations, and for this moment, they have lead me to a good place.

I woke up today feeling joy. Something I haven't felt in a long time. The sun was out, my sweet babies were happy this morning, I love my job, my family is truly amazing, and life finally feels good. I know there will be many struggles to come, but my happiness will no longer be an expense.

It is truly a great feeling, having a smile on my face simply just because.

Side note: had my first date on Saturday night with a pretty nice guy. Good conversation and great hibachi food! :)

Can't wait for the next one!

Dating...

I guess I hoped I'd never have to date someone new after I got married, but it looks like that's not the case. I am finally ready to get out there and hopefully meet someone genuine and right for me.

With my hectic life, it's literally impossible to meet someone! So I am giving online dating a try. I will admit that it's not my first choice but I have to start somewhere.
I've had my profile up for about a week. Lots of 'winks', emails, and profile views...with all that, I've found one legit connection. I am not sure what I should expect for this. And in all honesty, it's so overwhelming.

Already, I've had guys send rude messages because I didn't respond right away. And another go out of his way to send a message only to come back and say he wasn't interested. Rejection at its finest.

How long do I need to stick this out? I don't like meeting strangers, as I am very skeptical of people because of past relationships. How do I make this easier?

I see many people are on this site to simply hook up...that's NOT what I am looking for. The last time that happened, I got pregnant and ignored. I know it wont happen again, but I'm not in the mood to take that risk.

Perhaps I am much better being single...or maybe I should stop looking for someone and hope for something to happen on its own. Ah...we shall see what happens I guess.

My sweet boy is 2 months old! He's stolen my heart with his charm! Love him to pieces!

He's already met the milestones expected at 3 months; I'd say he's going to be a smarty pants like his amazing sister!

I am one blessed momma!

Blog challenge: take a look at what you wrote this time last year and expand.

This time last year I was knee deep into my fitness! I had a trainer, was dedicated, and eating healthy. As far as expanding, I really just want to get back the motivation to workout and stay healthy. I want to tone up, build a nice booty, and train for some races!

I read another post and it stated that I jad lost the opportunity to go active duty Army. I still dont have that option as I am currently a single mom. They dont allow that unless you became a single mom after you were already in. But no biggy, I'm doing just fine.

I also wrote that I was becoming legally single. It should have happened then, but the hopes to reconcile came about and we postpone the divorce hearing...only to go through that process all over again in October when it truly did become official.

Needless to say, so much has changed in one year. I am in a place I never anticipated to be. Its a struggle but it is going fine. It could be wOrse, ya know.

Stay tuned for the next challenge...

So my blog is typically just a spot where I vent and complain, it's sort of my therapy. But I will put this out there, for as much as I do complain about how things have been, they really are not so bad. My babies are healthy, I have an amazing supportive family, and a steady income.

It could be worse.

Perhaps i forget that the small negative details are just that, small.

I suppose its just easier to get upset over those small things than it is to be happy about the big things...so I am really going to make an effort to enjoy the good things I've got going on.

To name a few:
-baby Linc is sleeping longer at night and SMILES at me and coos like it's nobodies business! Love him!
-bri is a very smart girl and has been performing very well in school
-i am going to be an aunt! My sister is finally having a baby! :)
-i got back to the gym the other day and can still manage to knock out a few miles without stopping!
-i ordered new boots from Macy's
-tax return is on its way, so many things planned for the unexpected refund
-my neighbor blows the snow from my driveway

There are plenty more but just wanted to name a few...

So with that, I think its time to reduce the negative vibes, energy, and people from my life as much as I can. I can only grow from here and chose to be better. It's all on me...

So my civilian employer is amazing, my military COC, not so much...

I've loved the Army since day 1, and have tried my best to do well and be better. This weekend was a drill weekend, and by regulation, I dont actually have to be here, but I am and had every intention of being here the whole weekend. Unfortunately, my mom was really sick last minute and unable to watch the kids so I cOuldn't go.

I called in but forgot i also had lodging to cancel. So needless to say, I lost lodging for the next six month due to something completely out of my control. I'm really irritated because I live so f*cling far away that now I have to drive back and forth every.

I have no problem paying the consequences, but a little understanding would be nice. I mean, I shouldn't even be here! In fact, I'm leaving at noon.

I love the army, but not today.

Back to work for this girl! I seriously have the greatest coworkers and supervisors ever! Everyone was so welcoming as I moved to a new department. I couldn't be happier!!

The downfall...Linc has definitely made it clear I shouldn't be at work. Let's just say he's extra fussy and thinks its totally fine to wake up every hour in the night. I can not deal, I'm so exhausted I feel sick. :(

I need this little guy to bare with me and get into a routine so we can all be happy and well rested!

The day in the life of a single mom...

I shOuld be sleeping while I can...

However, there have been a few trending articles I've noticed and they have really pulled out some strong emotions. These articles are about parents being criminally charged for neglecting and/or murdering their children.

Having just had a child, this breaks my heart. There are days I get frustrated with all the challenges, but I roll with it. It saddens me to know there are individuals out there who simply cant handle being a loving parent.

These poor children rely solely on adults for survival and nurturing. How can someone deny a child of that for their own selfish reasons? Everyone wants to claim mental illness as a cause. Granted mental illness is very real, I believe it's no excuse to harm your child.

I hug my babies any chance I get, but tonight I will hug them more!

My thoughts and prayers go out to those precious children who never had a chance to have a life filled with joy and love!

A little pinspiration for ya...

It's been an emotional & stressful 2014 already!

Have you ever tried so hard to do the right thing and it still blows up in your face? I have. And I always end up at fault. It's like no one ever wants to take responsibility for their actions. I'll be the first to admit a fault and quickly apologize for any wrong doing, and many times will apologize even when I'm not wrong simply to keep the peace!

I'm done feeling bad for standing up for myself and my children. And in all reality, I'm shocked as to how many situations I've actually been in where I need to defend them or myself. People concern me, not for my sake but theirs. Its unfortunate.
Side note of advice we should all take including myself: before you're quick to judge, put yourself in someone else's situation and think before you criticize and/or question.

May 2014 get better!

Do you know what I hate? Feelings...I hate that I have such strong feelings for every damn thing possible! Those feelings range from love to hate and everything in between!

Having such strong emotions makes it very hard to move forward in many aspects.

I also have a lot of compassion towards others, even towards those who don't deserve it one bit. Why do I have compassion though? Because I believe being kind and caring is a key part in life. Though many don't show it to me, I will show it to them. I think that everyone needs to have someone to go to when they are feeling down. People need to know they aren't alone in their struggles. I want to be that person they can come to.

Lastly, my feelings of jealousy have taken their toll on me. Its disheartening knowing that what once was yours is now someone else's and they appear to be happier than they ever were with you. So what am I doing wrong? I really try not to ever compare myself to others, But sometimes it happens and it sucks. It fuels my emotions to over think everything! :(

So bear with the feelings and emotions... eventually they will fade...until then, I'll fake it til I make it.

How did I get so lucky?!

My sweet baby boy is 21 days old! He is seriously the cutest little thing ever! We had some delays with weight but he's gained and is well over 9 lbs! I will thank myself and the tedious feeding schedule I have him on! Oh and I can't forget to thank Bri for helping out with her brother too! :)

So i need to vent...I may complain a lot about doing this alone...but it's true. Every time I struggle with one of the kiddos or something goes wrong, I get really frustrated with how I ended up in this situation. I get even more frustrated knowing that I have no choice but to be a single mom. I have no choice but to Stay home on weekends. I have no choice but to wake up every two hours to feed my baby.

It's frustrating knowing that person who should be in this with me is out having a grand ol' time while I do all the work.

I love my babies more than anything, but sheesh... why do I have to do this alone?

This Year

THIS YEAR

2014

 

A bad habit I'm going to break: overthinking about the past and what shoulda/coulda/woulda been 

A new skill I'd like to learn: personal training and sewing

A person I hope to be more like: I would never want to be like anyone else, but I would like to be a better version of who I am now

A good deed I'm going to do: visit my dear grandmothers more often

A place I'd like to visit: I am hoping to make a trip to Europe, if that fails, then I'd like to take a trip to California or North Carolina--specifically the ocean

A book I'd like to read: Anything true crime that keeps my attention

A letter I'm going to write: I don't write letters, but perhaps I will write one to simply explain why I am the way that I am and why certain behavior from some people is unacceptable. Would I send it? Probably not...but it would get it off my chest!

A new food I'd like to try: I've never had sushi, so maybe I'd try that..along with new Vietnamese foods and maybe work on my healthy recipes!

I'm going to do better at: keeping calm and content. I am going to stop worrying about the things I can not change. I am going to look at my life for what it is, amazing! And I am going to try to do better at forgetting the wrong, hurt, and unfairness of the past years. I am also going to do better at being a mom to my two amazing babies!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to all my loves! May this year bring you lots of peace, love, and happiness!

My first text of the new year was just what I needed to put a smile back on my face...missing you my dear friend!