After dating a new guy, completely different than any other guy I've ever been interested in, I realize that in the past, I was the one with commitment issues.
It was almost as though I didn't feel that I deserved a good relationship. Subconsciously, I am pretty sure I did everything to mess up whatever good relationship I did have. I was/am very inexperienced in the 'love' category. Too inexperienced to be honest. I have no idea what it's like to be in a true relationship.
At one point in time, I was told that I 'don't live in a fairytale.' That statement has haunted me, and left me feeling like my thoughts of wanting happiness and love were out of reach. Which, in turn, left me in a position where I avoided any sort of romantic relationship with the person I wanted most.
Now that I've met someone, I have really had to force myself to allow him to get close to me. Right off the bat, I really enjoyed his company. I did however, contemplate not seeing him again because I was so scared to open myself up to the risk of being hurt. But instead, I saw him again and am so thankful I did. I dont know what the future holds, but I can't wait to see where it goes for us!
Here's to learning how to commit, love, and accept kindness!
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Monday, May 26, 2014
This girl...
This day...
I went to a small memorial parade this morning. It's always very emotional for me watching our flag march by, carried by the veterans of past wars. They take such pride. The very last thing was a man in a black uniform walking along a horse wearing a POW-MIA saddle. I most definitely shed a tear for those who became prisoners of war, and worse, missing in action.
I pray for the families who've suffered the loss of a soldier. They too gave the ultimate sacrifice.
To my fellow brothers and sisters, always remember those who've lost their lives so we could continue to serve and live ours.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
5 months.
My sweet boy is 5 months old today!
And this poor guy is still under the weather. We've been using his nebulizer daily and catering to his needs, and sometimes...nothing works. Poor guy possibly has an ear infection as well. In the words of my dad, 'does it ever end?' I'm exhausted.
Aside from that, we celebrated Linc at 5 months by adding in some sweet carrots to his cereal. He does so well eating from a spoon! And isn't too terribly messy, either. Love this guy!
He's tearing up his play time by rolling, scooting, kicking, and screaming! He's got an obsession with his pacifier, and not that he needs to suck on it, but he plays with it and chews on it, literally attempts to shove the entire thing in his mouth! Silly boy!
I've lost the battle of keeping him asleep on his back, I now have a tummy sleeper! Which is great because he sleeps longer. I just check him constantly!
I love watching him grow and develop his own personality. He's a charmer.
And I couldn't raise him to be this amazing without the help from Briahna, Tuan, my parents, and sister!
And this poor guy is still under the weather. We've been using his nebulizer daily and catering to his needs, and sometimes...nothing works. Poor guy possibly has an ear infection as well. In the words of my dad, 'does it ever end?' I'm exhausted.
Aside from that, we celebrated Linc at 5 months by adding in some sweet carrots to his cereal. He does so well eating from a spoon! And isn't too terribly messy, either. Love this guy!
He's tearing up his play time by rolling, scooting, kicking, and screaming! He's got an obsession with his pacifier, and not that he needs to suck on it, but he plays with it and chews on it, literally attempts to shove the entire thing in his mouth! Silly boy!
I've lost the battle of keeping him asleep on his back, I now have a tummy sleeper! Which is great because he sleeps longer. I just check him constantly!
I love watching him grow and develop his own personality. He's a charmer.
And I couldn't raise him to be this amazing without the help from Briahna, Tuan, my parents, and sister!
Monday, May 19, 2014
I had noticed he was having labored breathing and wheezing and decided to get him checked out. I always hate going to the ER, but on a Sunday night, it was my only option.
So the first Dr. could definitely tell by his wheezing that he needed a nebulizer. Linc did great! They tested for RSV and Strep and both were negative. Whew! The Dr. had shift change so then we had a second Dr. He didn't seem concerned about the rapid breathing or retraction in his chest.
By the time we left, the wheezing stopped, O2 stats were good, two scripts for a nebulizer and prednisone, no diagnosis, and i had a sleeping baby.
I'm not a Dr. by any means, but I guess for a parent everything is worrisome. Linc is still having rapid breathing with retraction in his chest. (Retraction is when he inhaled, part of his chest retracts inward instead of rising ) If the Dr. Wasn't worried, then do I take that as everything is okay? I guess when breathing patterns aren't normal, it's a red flag that something is going on.
But on a Sunday night, all I can do is monitor him and pray he heals up quickly.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Aside from the fact that I had to work, I had an awesome day.
When I returned home from work, I made some lunch for Bri and I, fed Linc cereal, and plAyed a game. I lost. Bri loves games, she also loves to 'win' at my expense. If I turn away, she 'magically' appears to draw a card or make a move in her favor. I no longer turn away. ;)
We went to the new park by the lake, by the time Bri was there and having fun playing, Linc not only threw up on me three times, he threw up right down the middle of my jeans and threw to my underwear. Um...ew. so I was the cool mom with a 'pee'spot full of spitup. Awesome.
Eventually I was tired of having wet undies and we headed out. We took a pit stop by the gardens. Very few flowers and trees were in bloom. Thanks Minnesota. We roamed the garden, "I'm just gonna stop and read every sign, okay mom?" Um...no. (nearly every sign was 'in memory of so and so.' At one point, Bri decided she was going to pose for pictures at every rock sighting...unless of course, there was a bug. Instead that was a sure way of my 6 y.o. sprinting in the opposite direction.
Linc was sound asleep through all this I might add. His job was done after he decided to vomit all over me. Silly boy.
We finally made it back to the car, my pants were dry btw... comfy, right? We headed out to get some ice cream for the evening and afternoon snack. I'm an awesome mom, I definitely bought Bri a strawberry cheesecake blizzard. Lucky girl.
When I returned home from work, I made some lunch for Bri and I, fed Linc cereal, and plAyed a game. I lost. Bri loves games, she also loves to 'win' at my expense. If I turn away, she 'magically' appears to draw a card or make a move in her favor. I no longer turn away. ;)
We went to the new park by the lake, by the time Bri was there and having fun playing, Linc not only threw up on me three times, he threw up right down the middle of my jeans and threw to my underwear. Um...ew. so I was the cool mom with a 'pee'spot full of spitup. Awesome.
Eventually I was tired of having wet undies and we headed out. We took a pit stop by the gardens. Very few flowers and trees were in bloom. Thanks Minnesota. We roamed the garden, "I'm just gonna stop and read every sign, okay mom?" Um...no. (nearly every sign was 'in memory of so and so.' At one point, Bri decided she was going to pose for pictures at every rock sighting...unless of course, there was a bug. Instead that was a sure way of my 6 y.o. sprinting in the opposite direction.
Linc was sound asleep through all this I might add. His job was done after he decided to vomit all over me. Silly boy.
We finally made it back to the car, my pants were dry btw... comfy, right? We headed out to get some ice cream for the evening and afternoon snack. I'm an awesome mom, I definitely bought Bri a strawberry cheesecake blizzard. Lucky girl.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
Blog challenge: 5 people who have influenced you and why?
1- Briahna: she was my reason for moving on and picking up the pieces of a broken relationship. Her spirit, kindness, and little personality gave me the strength to realize life has so much to offer. She reminded me that it's okay to be silly and simply enjoy the small things.
2- My mom, dad, sister: they stood by me no matter what the circumstances were. When I misbehave back in the day, they still loved me and guided me in the right direction. Today, they help me out with my kids. They remind me that I am a good person when I feel I have failed. They are all genuine people in their words and actions, I strive to be that way.
3- SGT Chicoine: my squad leader, has given me the opportunity to become a better soldier. He's given me tasks and allowed me to be a part of my unit. Also encourages me to go farther in my Army career.
4- Her: I say this term loosely and as broad as possible. To those who've tried and succeeded at swindling their way into my marriage: you've influenced me to never be like you. And you've also influenced me to put forth a better effort into my relationships. If I had, you're ways would have failed. I now know to value my relationships and everything about my partner. I know when to fight and when to walk away from toxic relationships.
5- Me: I am no where near perfect and never will be. I have made mistakes that I am still paying for. I've looked back at the old me, and influenced myself to be a better me. I want to do the right thing, be a good person for my family and friends, I strive to move forward despite the circumstances. I dont ever want to be like I was in the past. I am satisfied where I've headed and it can only get better from here.
Other people influence me on a daily basis. I've learned to appreciate differences among other and take it as a learning experience. People are constantly driven to do better, and I am thankful to have such people in my life. So if you've influenced me some how, thank you.
2- My mom, dad, sister: they stood by me no matter what the circumstances were. When I misbehave back in the day, they still loved me and guided me in the right direction. Today, they help me out with my kids. They remind me that I am a good person when I feel I have failed. They are all genuine people in their words and actions, I strive to be that way.
3- SGT Chicoine: my squad leader, has given me the opportunity to become a better soldier. He's given me tasks and allowed me to be a part of my unit. Also encourages me to go farther in my Army career.
4- Her: I say this term loosely and as broad as possible. To those who've tried and succeeded at swindling their way into my marriage: you've influenced me to never be like you. And you've also influenced me to put forth a better effort into my relationships. If I had, you're ways would have failed. I now know to value my relationships and everything about my partner. I know when to fight and when to walk away from toxic relationships.
5- Me: I am no where near perfect and never will be. I have made mistakes that I am still paying for. I've looked back at the old me, and influenced myself to be a better me. I want to do the right thing, be a good person for my family and friends, I strive to move forward despite the circumstances. I dont ever want to be like I was in the past. I am satisfied where I've headed and it can only get better from here.
Other people influence me on a daily basis. I've learned to appreciate differences among other and take it as a learning experience. People are constantly driven to do better, and I am thankful to have such people in my life. So if you've influenced me some how, thank you.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
To my mom:
I know I don't say thank you near as much as I should. You have been an amazing supportive mother to me and the kids. They are truly lucky to have you as their Nana.
I am thankful to have you as my mom. You've been there for me no matter what. I am glad that we have developed a true friendship. Thank you for guiding me in the right direction when I've made mistakes. Thank you for giving me the strength I needed when I felt nothing would go right. Without you, I definitely would not be where I am today.
I love you and everything you've given me to grow. You are an amazing and beautiful woman, mother, and Nana. Love you!
I am thankful to have you as my mom. You've been there for me no matter what. I am glad that we have developed a true friendship. Thank you for guiding me in the right direction when I've made mistakes. Thank you for giving me the strength I needed when I felt nothing would go right. Without you, I definitely would not be where I am today.
I love you and everything you've given me to grow. You are an amazing and beautiful woman, mother, and Nana. Love you!
Saturday, May 10, 2014
I recently read through some old blogs I posted...you can see my progression from bitterly angry to having a more positive energy.
However, those blogs were painfully reminding me that I've been very selfish and hateful. As much as I don't want to admit that, I suppose it's true. And actually, I'm not sorry.
The worst question I've ever asked was "why?" And the worst answer I ever got was "I don't know. " and thats the same answer I still get whenever I ask any question. The secrets are out, I dont understand why there are still lies and more secrets. Apparently bad habits die hard for some.
So after all this time of still not getting real closure, I'm closing the door to this. I will never get the truth and frankly, I don't care anymore. Hate is a strong word but a very powerful feeling. And unfortunately, its a very real feeling.
My intention of being civil and fair will always apply, but believe me when I say everything now will cater to my kids and I, no one else. Ever.
The past has made me bitter And better...
However, those blogs were painfully reminding me that I've been very selfish and hateful. As much as I don't want to admit that, I suppose it's true. And actually, I'm not sorry.
The worst question I've ever asked was "why?" And the worst answer I ever got was "I don't know. " and thats the same answer I still get whenever I ask any question. The secrets are out, I dont understand why there are still lies and more secrets. Apparently bad habits die hard for some.
So after all this time of still not getting real closure, I'm closing the door to this. I will never get the truth and frankly, I don't care anymore. Hate is a strong word but a very powerful feeling. And unfortunately, its a very real feeling.
My intention of being civil and fair will always apply, but believe me when I say everything now will cater to my kids and I, no one else. Ever.
The past has made me bitter And better...
Sunday, May 4, 2014
Custody
Here's a touchy subject for ya. It should be as clear as black and white, but unfortunately, it is most definitely not.
For the longest time, I felt that everything should be equal among parents sharing custody. That was until I had a glimpse at reality. Some parents can accommodate their lives to handle caring for their kids half the time, while other's cannot.
By accommodate, I mean doing what you say and saying what you do. If it's your 'turn' to have your kids, SHOW UP! Regardless of your plans, you make the time and adjust accordingly. The primary parent doesn't get to decide not to show up. They are there day in and day out.
I've began to believe it's not always easy to be fair. Eventually it becomes only to be about what's best for the kids. Why temporarily disrupt their daily life for an event that may or may not happen again? Why send them to the other parents for time away when said parent doesn't want them consistently? Why excite a child only to have to tell them 'mom/dad isn't coming.' It's heartbreaking for that child.
No ones wants to go to court over this issue or take the children away from their other parent, but where do you draw the line? How many times does disappointment have to arise before enough is enough? Who really gets to have a say?
Or how about a parent who has been absent all of a sudden wants back in? Or a parent who originally didnt want to 'keep' an unborn child? Do they just get to be free of consequences? Who really gets to decide who gets the child, when, and for how long? It's easy for a bitter parent to want to make the other parent suffer. But what about the parent who tries to be fair and it never happens? Who decides? How do parents agree? Who is right?
And you, we automatically assume it's the dads who are deadbeats, but there are plenty of terrible moms out there too.
It's a never-ending battle when two parents don't see eye to eye.
For the longest time, I felt that everything should be equal among parents sharing custody. That was until I had a glimpse at reality. Some parents can accommodate their lives to handle caring for their kids half the time, while other's cannot.
By accommodate, I mean doing what you say and saying what you do. If it's your 'turn' to have your kids, SHOW UP! Regardless of your plans, you make the time and adjust accordingly. The primary parent doesn't get to decide not to show up. They are there day in and day out.
I've began to believe it's not always easy to be fair. Eventually it becomes only to be about what's best for the kids. Why temporarily disrupt their daily life for an event that may or may not happen again? Why send them to the other parents for time away when said parent doesn't want them consistently? Why excite a child only to have to tell them 'mom/dad isn't coming.' It's heartbreaking for that child.
No ones wants to go to court over this issue or take the children away from their other parent, but where do you draw the line? How many times does disappointment have to arise before enough is enough? Who really gets to have a say?
Or how about a parent who has been absent all of a sudden wants back in? Or a parent who originally didnt want to 'keep' an unborn child? Do they just get to be free of consequences? Who really gets to decide who gets the child, when, and for how long? It's easy for a bitter parent to want to make the other parent suffer. But what about the parent who tries to be fair and it never happens? Who decides? How do parents agree? Who is right?
And you, we automatically assume it's the dads who are deadbeats, but there are plenty of terrible moms out there too.
It's a never-ending battle when two parents don't see eye to eye.
Dating
Dating is totally new to me, but I'm happy I took a risk and put myself out there. I had the opportunity to meet a very good guy. his personality and kindness bring a smile to my face!
It's hard for me to accept kindness as it is new to me. Perhaps I always felt like I didn't deserve it so I didn't always receive it. Regardless, it is a step in the right direction, finally finding and deserving happiness.
Remember that you only get the type of love you think you deserve. And you deserve a whole lot. Don't forget that.
It's hard for me to accept kindness as it is new to me. Perhaps I always felt like I didn't deserve it so I didn't always receive it. Regardless, it is a step in the right direction, finally finding and deserving happiness.
Remember that you only get the type of love you think you deserve. And you deserve a whole lot. Don't forget that.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Just having a moment...
I've been trying to write a good blog for the last several weeks, and nothing is flowing. I can't decide to vent or brag! I have plenty of ideas to do both, but once I get then written, I change my mind.
I think I've been avoiding the venting, because if I do, it will definitely call someone out and I don't want to do that. Even if I generalize the topic, it's still points fingers, and is rather not.
I've posted a few brags, especially about my kids. They really are amazing. As much as they are my whole life, I need to have brags unrelated to them too.
So on that note:
Vent: I HATE BEING IGNORED. Not going to get into it right now.
Brag: I have been strictly clean eating since Sunday. Had one bad snack of oreos, but have been following my eating plan and exercise daily (even if its at home). I already feel a difference from eating less processed foods.
So that is all. Its 6am, a quick nap before I have to be up for my busy Saturday plans: makeup for Sarah, fix/clean my car, and wedding with D!
Enjoy your weekend my friends!
-be curious, not judgemental.
I think I've been avoiding the venting, because if I do, it will definitely call someone out and I don't want to do that. Even if I generalize the topic, it's still points fingers, and is rather not.
I've posted a few brags, especially about my kids. They really are amazing. As much as they are my whole life, I need to have brags unrelated to them too.
So on that note:
Vent: I HATE BEING IGNORED. Not going to get into it right now.
Brag: I have been strictly clean eating since Sunday. Had one bad snack of oreos, but have been following my eating plan and exercise daily (even if its at home). I already feel a difference from eating less processed foods.
So that is all. Its 6am, a quick nap before I have to be up for my busy Saturday plans: makeup for Sarah, fix/clean my car, and wedding with D!
Enjoy your weekend my friends!
-be curious, not judgemental.
Friday, May 2, 2014
Nothing too eventful has gone on recently, and I'm totally okay with that.
This week has been spent working and spending the evenings with my littles! I love them more and more each day!
Bri continues to advance her reading skills and education. She's been into creating new things out of old items/boxes/cartons. She created a house/play area for her Littlest Pet Shops. And she knows just to make me laugh, she's very witty and quick on her feet!
Linc is 4 months! He's so handsome! He's about 17 lbs. He's so close to rolling over from back to front. He already does front to back. He is laughing and giggling when we tickle him. And he even is attentive to peek-a-boo and laughs!
Those two make my world complete!
This week has been spent working and spending the evenings with my littles! I love them more and more each day!
Bri continues to advance her reading skills and education. She's been into creating new things out of old items/boxes/cartons. She created a house/play area for her Littlest Pet Shops. And she knows just to make me laugh, she's very witty and quick on her feet!
Linc is 4 months! He's so handsome! He's about 17 lbs. He's so close to rolling over from back to front. He already does front to back. He is laughing and giggling when we tickle him. And he even is attentive to peek-a-boo and laughs!
Those two make my world complete!
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