There is nothing worse than being up at night, alone with your thoughts...
I am at a loss for words. I have tried to write how I feel and say what I think I want to say, but nothing comes out. I recently lost a friend to suicide just under two weeks ago. I can't help but feel this awful painful guilt, wondering what more I could have done. What did I miss? Why wasn't I there when he needed someone the most? I have struggled with a lot of challenges in my life and have overcome them. This one however, is so different. It is so permanent and my questions will never be answered. There will never be closure until I can simply accept what happened and move forward, but for now, I can only take it day by day...
To my dear friend, Julio. Although we were only friends for a few months, I am so glad that we met and were able to build a friendship. I keep checking my phone, hoping this nightmare is over and that you'll soon hit me up with your "what's up crazy" texts! I want you to know that your kindness will never be forgotten and you will never be forgotten. You were a selfless man and deserved nothing but happiness in life...I know I told you many times! I won't forget the day you told me that I was a beautiful person who, too, deserved happiness. At that moment, that's exactly what I needed to hear. I am so so sorry I couldn't save you. I will forever think about that day...I have no idea what I would have done differently, but if only I was here, or called you, or anything! My heart hurts for you and baby Lauren. I'll continue to pray for her and that she'll grow up learning how truly wonderful of man her father was. Until we meet again my friend...
I hope that one day I can think clearly and put my thoughts into words and actually make sense...until then...it's going to be a hot mess!!
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4
